Monday, May 9, 2016

Duplo Berlinno Burrito


    I’m glad I’m not the world’s most successful construction guy.

    History’s greatest ever architectural project may be just around the corner, waiting to dwarf anything mankind has built to date.

    But whoever might become responsible for making the magic happen has a whole bunch of imponderables upon which to imponder.

    That’s the deal with undertakings on a grand scale.


    See, building a wall around Mexico is not the easiest thing to pull off, even when you are at the top of your game.

    This wall has a very specific purpose, and when something uncannily similar was pulled down in 1989 with the consent of most everyone on the planet, anyone riding high on a lifetime of successful construction has to figure whether they are about to commit personal and professional suicide.

    But hey — this is only PR.

    Since when has that ever mattered?

    If the Mexicans need keeping apart from all those non-Mexicans of Dutch, English, Italian, Spanish ... (using ellipses and parentheses here to speed things up, and though this may seem like it is turning into a lengthy aside that kinda blows the reason for including it here in the first place, actually, it isn’t) ... and native American descent just down the highway, then a towering fuck off wall simply has to be built.

    I’m no expert in economics, but I reckon this whole scheme poses two fundamental questions.

    1) Where are all the raw materials going to come from, including the people needed to throw them all together into a purpose-built 2000 mile long wall to exclude greaseball lowlife murderers and rapists (and their friends)?

    2) Wouldn’t all those raw materials (including the people) be better deployed on other architectural projects?  Like housing and transport and infrastructure?

    I can only assume someone better qualified than me has done the maths.


    So let’s shoot forward a few years to 2029, when the wall is up, the champagne bottle  of completion has been smashed against its triumphal brickwork, and all the Mexicans are now living it up in Alaska.

    (That last part was a joke, btw.)

    For the construction people, that’s another 15 years of casting their eyes across the pond to see what folks are doing in Europe and Africa, cos like the old adage goes: “Anything cracks off in Europe eventually gonna happen here.”

    If they can keep their eyes on the ball while they are piling up the bricks, they can factor in killer features to take account of all eventualities — like how to cope with boats out there in the desert.

    Because that’s the big deal right now in Europe: boatloads of people loading up from all over the goddamn shop and traversing vast stretches of cruel ocean to reach freedom’s shore.

    Hey, if I were a Mexican, I’d get a head start on the deal and start taking the notion of a dream life in Alaska more seriously.

     I’d forget any notion of setting out into the desert with climbing equipment and a bolt cutter (I assume they have mail order in Mexico, so they can probably get hold of this sort of stuff — or, being resourceful types, make it out of cactus), and simply hop into a canoe on one of the two stretches of shoreline close to the Mexican side of the wall before sailing out to the corresponding stretch of shoreline on the US side of the wall.

    Should take no longer than ten or fifteen minutes.

    Best of all: any boats so used would almost certainly triple in value, even if sold for firewood.

    But why am I helping out the Mexicans here?

    Isn’t this supposed to be a post questioning the likely problems to be faced by the construction guys building the wall?

    Call me stupid, but if they were to let those ignorant Mexicans in on this little secret, they could save themselves a whole lot of time and trouble and money, and maybe protect their reputations along the way.

    So maybe PR is the big deal after all.

    Bombing the gringoes would be quicker and cheaper than building a wall, that’s for sure.

    Better still, the chemical composition of McDonalds coffee is only a few ions away from being the most dangerous poison known to man, and if you could get that into the Mexican water supply, they’d be fucked.

    Only problem is, the Mexicans don’t have a great deal of water, which is maybe why they are all running across the border to the US.

    Perhaps they’re not murderers and rapists after all; perhaps they’re simply thirsty after eating all that spicy food and want to get their hands on more Dr Pepper.




Burritos: beyond plain old murder and rape lies invigorating deep throat suicide.


2 comments:

Evil Editor said...

Your suggestion that we transport all Mexicans by boat to Alaska makes no sense, as our new wall will extend 7500 miles across the Pacific Ocean to Shanghai, China on pontoons.

Whirlochre said...

Hey, nothing makes much sense right now, but if this is a way to resurrect ground-breaking deployment of pontoons, maybe we should all pay attention.