Thursday, March 31, 2016

Copzinatz


    Easing yourself back into blogging after a sporadic semi-absence is like forcing a policeman into an old helmet using only a truncheon.

    Truth be told, a golfer’s hole-in-one is nothing compared to prodding a constable home.

    Forget the audacious skill involved in planting the ball just so, and consider instead the ease with which it circles and stills inside the hole thereafter.

    Even if you manage to maneouvre your prone copper back into his headgear, there is no guarantee it will still be a perfect fit for his bonce.

    Policemen’s skulls change shape subtly over time, and even the best constructed of helmets is not beyond expanding or contracting a little with the change of seasons.

    Caps and wooly hats may be worn casually, tossed over a head like a limp penis atop a tin of beans in an overly sexualised Heinz Chicken Soup advert, but the same bohemian freedoms do not apply to the headgear of life’s enforcers.

    A hint a of tightness here, a touch of looseness there, and when you sit your policeman upright, he will evidence one of two ridiculous stylistic errors: the “Perched Half Walnut” or the  “Ear Bender of Dopeyo”.

    (This applies equally if your policeman is a woman man, in spite of the easier-to-don apparel — though you would want to think carefully about your truncheoning strategy in the first instance.)

    But, hey — the rozzery here is only included as an analogy.

    If a gulf exists between the potting of a golf ball in a single shot and the truncheoning of a policeman into his (or her) headgear, then the canyon between rozzer rehatting and returning to regular blogging is even deeper and wider.

    Am I up to the task?

    I don’t know.

    To paraphrase William Carlos Williams, so much depends on my ability to consume oily fish and refrain from knocking back the Cripplebutt Scrumpy.

    Let’s see how it all looks next Monday.

    As a principle for life, the only thing I’ve seen so far to better this sentiment is DO NOT BUGGER A LION, EVER.


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