Monday, September 21, 2015
Vampires & Piglets
Vampires suck out your blood, we all know that.
They persuade you to invite them into your home, make with the dental floss on their first visit to the bathroom, and before you know it, you’re spreadeagled on the floor having your lifeblood vacuumed from your neck by some weirdo in a cape.
As relationships go, it’s a very one-sided affair.
But what about the people who want you for more than your blood?
The people who cross your threshold because you invited them in — and there’s no catch?
Maybe you’ve known some of these people for years. Or maybe they’ve only recently arrived on the scene.
But they’re here now, all of them, hopping and up and down on your doorstep, ring a-dinging frantically on your doorbell.
It’s fine to turn away vampires if you can — but what do you do when all the good guys come knocking, for all the bestest reasons, and multiple acts of turning away are a MUST?
Personally, I hate this scenario.
I exist only to slay evil.
So while nothing pleases me more than laying honey traps for vampires, and working out ever more cunning ways of spraying odourless garlic-rich contact poison onto dental floss, I am loathe to spurn genuine visitors simply because I’m mortal and time is finite.
The easy solution is to blow kisses and say, “thanks for your interest, I’m busy right now, try again tomorrow.”
If you answer the door holding an iron and a lace doily, this tactic works every time.
Problem is, tomorrow your doorstep will be more crowded than ever.
Easier still is not answering the door, but unless you’re prepared also to seal off your chimney and lavatory, a few resourceful people will find their way to your inner sanctum, possibly wearing wetsuits.
In my experience, plans resulting in the spontaneous appearance of people wearing wetsuits and the invasion of your inner sanctum are best avoided.
The only solution is to train up a cutesy piglet, and send it out into the throng with a chocolate-laden silver tray strapped to its back.
Let it trot, let it mingle, let it oink.
As people pluck chocolates from its back and mutter things like, “oh, what a cutesy piglet,” or, “may I swap my Montelimar for your Cock & Balls Hazelnut Whopper?”, maybe they’ll forget for a moment why they showed up.
If perchance they remember to knock on your door once they’re done — who cares if you don’t answer, because HEY! CHOCOLATE!
AND A CUTESY PIGLET!!!
Maybe in the future, they’ll show up just to take in the sideshow.
Maybe they’ll show up in droves.
Meanwhile, you get to speculate in your inner sanctum, free from the distraction of having to deal right now with people who are falling over themselves to feast on your time because they love you more than piglets and chocolates.
You get to work.
Some time in the future, you may peer from behind the sanctum curtain.
Some time in the future, you may choose someone from outside.
When that day comes, you hide away your dental floss and your cape.
And you smile, and say, “would you mind awfully if I invited you in?”