Monday, September 28, 2015
Mayo Squirt Nutzoidhosen
When you’re hellbent on sourcing some killer mayo, and your freezer is empty as the supermarkets are closed, there’s no point trying to strangle a duck.
But how does hellbentness sit with any kind of hiatus?
Till the supermarkets open?
Or a yolk-laden duck slips its rear end over the edge of your mixing bowl and points a feathered wing at the whisk dangling from your utensil gazebo?
This is where it pays to make with the zen, the kung fu, the deep space karmic wizardry.
No kind of hellbentness ever sat anywhere.
It exists and persists only to strain at the leash till it burns the raison d’être of its bendy through part of the cosmos.
(Or it would, if you could break into your neighbour’s house, raid the fridge, and rustle up a cheese salad sandwich.)
So you have to stay on your feet, on the move, on the hop, like a pregnant gazelle.
Allow the foal of your bendy to roll and tumble in the womb.
Yes — you have a gazelle foal in that hellhole, because nothing makes sense when you can’t still your bendy.
And you mustn’t still your bendy, not for some while yet, or it’ll burn out through your navel, roll onto the floor in a ball of flames and maybe incinerate a Dachshund.
Make with the Haka like the All Blacks!
Go crazy with a sword like Sulu rampaging through the corridors of the Enterprise back in the days when the input knobbery for warp drive consoles was sourced from toasters and junked hifi!
Dance like Victoria Beckham trying not to pee down her leg!
Lull that bendy into submission.
Roll it, rock it, lower it gently to the ground.
If there’s a Dachshund nearby, instruct the owner to run for cover, along with the dog.
If there’s more than one Dachshund nearby — what in hell are you doing being hellbent in a kennel in the first place?
There’s more to life than pooches shaped like Bratwurst!
Get back on the Haka before they come runnin’ over to lick your ankles.
And if there are no Dachshunds in the immediate vicinity, do the Haka anyway.
In addition to helping you roll your bendy, it’s great for developing your pelvic floor muscles and dating anyone with hairy shoulders.
Keep rolling, keep rocking.
There’s no hiatus here.
No stillness, no stuck, no immobility: Just a gentle shaking of your gazelle womb, teasing the fire from your bendy, snuffing out the flames, cooling down the embers, flipping the temperature down a farenheit at a time.
Till the bendy, the hell, is all gone.
And you can walk on, free.
Pet ducks, open fridge doors at will, visit your neighbour.
Zen master, Kung Fu Hero, Venusian Wand Lord.