Thursday, September 3, 2015

Evolution Shafted My Squash Poppet

    The single squash that’s been mushrooming away in my vegetable patch for the entire summer has turned out to be something of a disappointment.

    I’d prepared myself for clumps of them, bulging over onto the lawn like the thrashed buttocks of a badly co-ordinated trapeze act from a circus hot on stick and ignorant of all things carrot, but no such thrust of luscious vegetables protruded.

    Instead, I have a novelty potato, beached above ground like a veggie maverick, its curiously albinoid skin marginally yellowed by the sun’s ferocity.

    In a world run along savagely evolutionary lines, where one miscrinkle of walnut allied to infinite butterfly effects could change the future of the cosmos forever, a squash evidencing such feeble squashiness could easily have earmarked its entire species for extinction with its unbravado.

    “See here, Gods of Merciless Atomic Swish,” it cries, oblivious to the pulse of its own puniness (and the rules of evolutionary mayhem), “isn’t it about time you finished off the tomatoes in the greenhouse for being good-for-nothing wastes of space?  That way, me and my kind can rape the soil with our roots and proliferate across the universe in an unstoppable bonanza of bulbous squashery!”

    Maybe I should lend a hand — an invisibly Darwinian snuffer/swatter of an Adam Smith ‘red in tooth and claw’ hand — and call over a bunch of neighbourhood cats seeking promise of mock peyote.

    “See this weirdsy Veg Thang, Adventure Kits?” (Picture them now, a group of 6-8 assorted felines, gathered at my welly-clad feet as I indicate the feeble mis-squashed potato-thing with the tip of a bamboo cane.)  “Now is your chance to make with your claws against its rubbery exterior and siphon — with the aid of cat piping I know you conceal beneath your fur  — nature’s most potent hallucinogen this side of Sarah Palin’s underarm cheese the heck off into your kitty Tupperware.”

    It’s a tough call.

    To mess with nature or not to mess with nature?

    Last time I stuck my neck out for this kind of deal, everything went worse than pear-shaped...

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