Monday, August 17, 2015

Twinklikins The Kitten

    Maddy squeezed her new friend hard.  “Thanks, Mum.  Twinklikins is so much better than a hamster.”

    “Happy birthday,” said Mum with a smile.  “But be careful how you hug her.  Kittens are very delicate.”

    Maddy’s brow furrowed.  “What do you mean?”

    “If you squeeze too hard, you might damage her internal organs.  Squeeze very hard indeed, and you might break a bone or injure her forever.”

    “I don’t understand, Mum.  I was only loving her.”

    Mum took Twinklikins from her daughter’s arms.  “Inside Twinklikins is a skeleton, same as yours, only smaller, and cat-shaped.”

    “You mean bones?” said Maddy.

    “That’s right.  And all around her bones are lungs and kidneys and intestines — and her heart.”  Mum gave Twinklikins a gentle squeeze.  “All cats like a bit of fuss but you have to be terribly gentle.  Squeeze them like this and they really don’t like it at all.”

    “What did she say?”

    “My point exactly.”  Mum wiped a trail of blood and mucus from Twinklikins’ wet little nose.  “Probably she was saying please leave me alone, because I ruptured her insides or something.”

    Maddy shook her head.  “I don’t understand, Mum.  It just sounded like a normal meaow to me.  What’s the difference?”

    “Listen,” said Mum, stroking Twinklikins’ head gently.  “She likes this.  That’s why she’s purring.”

    “Got it.”

    “But now, when I do this,” Mum continued, lowering herself onto Twinklikins’ head, “now she’s saying please leave me alone again because I’m placing too much pressure on her tiny skull.  Do you see?”

    “No,” said Maddy.  “It sounds like she’s saying get off my fucking head, bitch — you’re squeezing my eyeballs right out of my face and I’m struggling to breathe.”

    Mum tossed back her head and roared with laughter.  “Don’t be silly, dear.  Cats only understand very simple words.  They’re like monkeys that way.  Listen when I bounce up and down on Twinklikins.  She’ll just say please leave me alone again — only louder, and more insistently.”

    “No, Mum, she’s screaming fuck you, fuck you, fuck you,  meaooooaaaugh!  — and now she’s burst.”

    Mum lifted up a leg to reveal Twinklikins’ prolapsed eyeballs.  “So she has.  And that’s why you have to take extra special care of her.  Like I said, kittens are very delicate.”

    Maddy took the dripping moggy from her Mum’s hands.  “And so much better than a hamster.  Especially for my birthday.”

    “Time for bed now, Maddy,” said Mum.  “Sweet dreams.”

    “Same to you, Mum,” said Maddy, waving gently with one hand while dragging Twinklikins upstairs by her tail with the other. “I’m so glad I have a proper pet, and not some lousy rodent.”

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