Monday, July 27, 2015

Why Slippers Are Great For Blogging

    Regular blogging demands the stamina of an athlete, the resourcefulness of an astronaut, the creative spark of a Picasso locked in an iron trunk on the ocean bed by a Houdini — and no shortage of lies to pass off as truths.

    But there’s something else too, something important.

    To get the most out of today’s fast-paced HIP blogging scene, it’s necessary to have a decent pair of slippers in your armoury.

    Why so?

    In truth, the reasons are too numerous to list, and as the days pass, more come flooding from the woodwork like swarms of bees to a honey trap.

    But here are my top five.

    1) Burglar Attack Defence

    With burglaries on the rise, and increasingly lethal weaponry making its way into every rogue’s swag bag or utility belt pocheterie, it pays to minimise your chances of being assaulted while deep in thought about a blog post relating to writing or motivation or the outpourings of an unreconstituted maniac.

    Wear slippers, and you have a recipe for stealth.

    Those rubber soles are especially sensitive to the depressed floorboards of a burglar’s creep, and serve as an alarm clock for any kind of robbery action.

    As a bonus, they make for better silence in the ‘get the fuck outta here’ department than hob-nailed boots or skis.

    2) Anti-typhoon Determination Boost

With the exception of Stephen King or Jilly Cooper, most writers will down tools upon being presented with a typhoon.

    When there are hard disks, manuscripts and backsides to be saved, there’s nothing for it in the face of nature’s most destructive wonder this side of Godzilla than to shinny down the batpole to the safety of a secret bunker.

    Here’s where those rubber soles come in handy once more.

    Too many talented writers have lost their lives as a result of over-exuberant shinnying, their final moments a bloody testament to the body’s inability to remain intact after a fall onto an unyielding surface. ..

    With slipper rubber to slow their batpole descent, those writers could have made it through to jiggle again with the literary in the typhoon’s wake.

    3) Cat Attraction Potential

    Cats love slippers.  Period.

    Comma.  Ellipse.  Semicolon.

    So when you’re stuck in mid-paragraph on a fiendish scifi-related blog post, hordes of kittens may descend upon you to rub their cutesy furriness against your feet and purr their contentment into your soul’s funnel like gin down the throat of an unrepentant widow.

    Write slipperless, and all you get is ANTS.

    4) Spontaneous Kung Fu Damage Limitation

    When you’re churning out blog posts, it’s so easy to get carried away with all that Bruce Lee style flailing around of arms and legs kinda stuff.

    People can get hurt, furniture risks being trashed, and it’s bad news for any kitten families sniffing around for slipper-clad softies.

    Fact: even Bruce Lee would have been reduced to a harmless pansy if he’d made with the slippers instead of the nunchaku sticks.  Kick anyone while wearing slippers, and your chances of inflicting bruises or rupturing organs are significantly lower than if you wore concrete clogs.

    So when inspiration hits the blogging fan, protect yourself, your loved ones — and your world
by taking advantage of the safety bonuses inherent in slippers.

    5) Instant Pig Cleansing Action

    How many times have you sat at your blogging desk only to find your private space invaded by an unruly, filthy pig?

    Snort.  Snort.  Snort.  Oink.  Oink.  Honk.

    Snuffle.  Snuffle.  Snuffle.

    Fact: most slippers possess an unusually soft upper covering for the feet which makes a perfect cloth for wiping the crap off even the dirtiest pig.

    Better still, by making rhythmic movements with a slipper just behind a pig’s ear, it’s possible to perform an act of animal taming on a par with the use of sedatives in care homes for the elderly.

    What would otherwise be a disaster can be incorporated into your daily writing ritual.

    And all thanks to slippers.

    So — happy blogging.


Evil Editor said...

You failed to mention the number one reason. How many times have you been unexpectedly summoned to the door by a delivery person or a meat salesman or a pair of religious fanatics, only to have the intruder(s) catch sight of your naked feet and puke on the Turkish carpet? Or, what if woman of Whirl sneaks up behind you to read your blogpost-in-progress over your shoulder and catches a glimpse of Whirlfeet and barfs on your keyboard? Slippers prevent foot sightings like shields prevent sword impalements.

Whirlochre said...

It's a fair point, though I should point out that I do have quite dinky feet. I'm not hairy or squat of toe like a hobbit, or bizarrely equine of foot like those horsey creatures from Star Wars (The Phantom Menace). So there's a chance I might get away with the Turkish carpet scenario should those guys come knocking. As for Girly of Whirly, the blog posts alone are a sufficient stimulus on the vomit front.