Monday, July 20, 2015

Bum In Seat — Like Liberace

   As the old writing adage goes, it’s “bum in seat” time.

   No more procrastinating, no more endless cups of coffee — now you must hunker down and do the dirty deed.

   In its way, this advice has merits.

   If all you end up with is a blank page, at least you’ll have put in some effort.

   And, as any seasoned procrastinator knows, over the course of a year, the cost of all those anything-but-writing cups of coffee can stack up to the equivalent of a small bungalow or performing llama troupe, so watch out.

   But “bum in seat” has a downside.

   Somewhere in the hinterland between stiffness and collapse, a whole new you is muscling on down as you work out, just as if you were pumping iron and humping nylon at the gym.

   Everyone from physiotherapists to ergonomists to crippled hunchbacks chained to the walls of dungeons agrees: Writing can heck transform you into a twisted monster and de-flexible your brain as part of the package.

This is where the AbyssWinksBack Acrobatic Liberace Gibbon Method can help you.

   Typing was never supposed to be hacking, and that whole karate chop routine is just another way of turning your shoulders into accessory earrings.

   So: deftess, please, ladies.

   More specifically, the deftness of a fully blinged-up Liberace.

Liberace: Dr Jekyll to Edwina Currie’s Mr Hyde
   Try it for size now.

   With bum in seat and digits all twinkly and bouffant, as if tinkling the ivories of the Queen of Kitschbitsch himself, try your hand at the following paragraph, and note how light and airy you feel.

   I’d intended to lift a random paragraph from a random book here, but my Entropic Mallard du Jour plucked out American Psycho and billtrilled its way to one of the many spinebending passages.  So here’s some Dr Seuss, modified to suit our theme for today:

Think and wonder.
  Wonder and think.
Think all your thinkiness  
beyond wonder’s brink.  
Spell it all out.  
Write it all down.  
Bum kissing seat.  
Liberace-ing on down.

   Ok, so that’s the first part.

   I was Liberace-ing all through that mock Seuss, but we’re still well short of the ‘Whole Hog cops off with Full Monty’ deal we need to head off the Harbingers of Couch Potato Physique Drudge.

   So: cue acrobatic gibbons.

    Oh, and also the Vision’s funky tangibility dimmer switch superpowers much feared by villains from Ultron to Galactus to Wolverine’s stylist.


   Ok, so while we wait for the gibbons to set up their trampolines to either side of your writing desk, maybe you could rehearse your Liberaces again.

   It always pays to learn to walk before you can run, especially when ‘running’ in this case means withholding consent to Liberace at precisely the moment when the flick-flacking gibbon acrobat spins past and momentarily phases its arms with your own before assuming control of your fingers.

   Sounds weird, I know.

   But that’s because it is.

   So, get ready to type that mock Seuss one more time.

    You’ll Liberace the first line as Gibbon Uno springs from his trampoline.


   As the gibbon whirls over your head, he’ll drop his arms momentarily into yours, and w-o-n-d-e-r-[space]-a-n-d-[space]-t-h-i-n-k-. his way over to the other trampoline.

   Meanwhile, Gibbon Twoono will be on her way from the other side, ready to throw in the t-h-i-n-k-[space]-a-l-l-[space]-y-o-u-r-[space]-t-h-i-n-k-i-n-e-s-s part.

   It’s nature’s way of cutting out the uninspiring hack hack hack hack hack and replacing it with a little Gib & Liberacified spring-phase-trill / spring-phase-trill / spring-phase-trill, the better to lend a flourish to your writing.
Throw in some maracas for your acrobats, and the spring-phase-trill hits a funky rhythm.

   There’s no room for procrastination when your fingers have to mix with the beat.

   Instead of skipping on writing, you’re just skipping, from letter to letter, word to word, spring to phase to trill.

   Aaaaaaaaaand again…

Think and wonder.
Wonder and think.
Think all your thinkiness
beyond wonder’s brink.
Spell it all out.
Write it all down.
Bum kissing seat
to the Libgib Sound.

   Hmmm, still not quite there — but as the gibbons set up more trampolines and throw in spinning umbrellas (and juggled machetes), and Liberace slips on his American flag hot pants, I feel more inclined to skip some more and nail this awkward line.

   What good reason is there to stop?

   Right now, any excuse to fix coffee is an opportunity to pep down and vegetate.

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