Monday, March 16, 2015

SURVIVE IN THE WILD With Struggs "All Man" Prepuce LESSON ONE: Wombat Cheese

    Gonna tellya bout WOMBAT CHEESE.

    First thing ya need out in the WILD.

    Sure ya can get rabbit meat deer maybe beans offa some dumbshit city slicker but nuthin beats PROPER CARBS.

    So wait till nightfall.

    Then get a fire goin.

    Usual stuff flint fur lighter fuel.

    Thatll bring the wombat to ya.

    They got a hannkerin for flame see.

    Jus lie back an sweep yer hand in fronta the flame.

    Its an old Soox injun trick.

    Never fails.

    Soon them wombatsll come a creepin.

    Yeah sure maybe also a mule an a few lizards too but then ya got puddin.

    Whack em. 

    Save em.

    Hell they dont matter right now.

    Wombats is what ya want.

    Ya gotta strike fast.

    Like a snake.

    Or Ali when he whupped Frazier.

    Whack em.

    Theyre weird critters but fast so ya gotta get in quick there.

    Jus throw the guy wombats on the mule pile.

    They aint no good for cheese.

    Get a girl wombat an you milk her right off.

    With cows an goats an shit ya gotta have a bucket which out in the wild means maybe a skull or if your lucky then an old can or something.

    But wombats aint like that.

    They don’t pack big milk.

    So ya can squish the teat right into yer navel.

    Then lie by the fire an dream.

    Come mornin ya gotta purdy patty all soft an cheesy like that crazy Greek stuff or maybe a goat.

    Toss all yer girl an guy wombats on the embers maybe throw in a snake or some lizards an shit an lay out yer patty by the heat on some skin or a bone even a rock.

    Ya feast on the wombats like normal chewin like a real man even if they aint all cooked thru.

    Yeah an maybe a lizard for puddin like I said.

    Yer cheese gonna be real cheesy now real posh.

    Like in a restrant when ya skip ice cream an get ya some bree an shit yeah all them crazy wafers.

    Feast on that cheese like a real man.

    Its got the carbs but ya know what its also got the kudos the magic.

    Ya can look that wilderness in the eye an say LOOKIT ME EATIN HERE LIKE I WAS IN A POSH RESTRANT.

    This aint jus survivin its stickin two fingers up at the whola nature man.

    Struggs “All Man” Prepuce is the world’s leading authority on surviving in the wild.  His books include How To Punch A Leopard, Breathe Like A Cactus, and Rattlesnake Or Drinking Straw?  When he’s not surviving, alone and unaided, in the wilderness, he regularly lectures on the outdoor life at Universities around the globe, including Oxford, Harvard and New College Swindon.  Struggs holds the current Guinness world record for opening 20 barrels of crude oil with his anus in 8 minutes and 23 seconds.  Truly, he is Legend Royalty.

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