Thursday, March 12, 2015

Strop Flocks

    Why has everyone got a bag on right now?

    I’ve checked every yardstick I know and remain convinced that my suspicions about everyone else’s screaming mardies aren’t just the product of my own reactivity.

    Maybe there’s an epidemic or something.

    Let’s see just how stroppy I can be with everyone I meet today.

    From 9am till noon, I’m hellbent on fucking off the people I meet — and after lunch, I’ll extend this ingratitude to cats, dogs and babies.

    Think a cactus is prickly?  Try saying so much as a HELLO to me today and I’ll bite your bum.

    Has your week been like this?

    An onslaught of The Disenchanted, ironically sorcerer-like in their ability to hex all animal, vegetable and mineral matter with the spirit of unbridled misery and grouch?

    I say we punch them all in the chops.

    Then get a job lot of rubbish bananas and DOLPHIN the fuckers.*

    As Spring prepares to clamber from Winter’s splintered fjords, it’s all they deserve.

    *Bonus Feature: How To DOLPHIN a Fucker

    1) Place banana in the palm of one hand and behold: YELLOW DOLPHIN.
    2) Massage banana skin until everything inside is soft and squishy.
    3) Slice off the tip of the banana as you eye up your fucker.
    4) Think of Indy cracking his whip, take aim — and FIRE.

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