Monday, February 23, 2015

The Selfie Stick Holder

    Dunno about you, but I think mankind is on the threshold of making a spectacular new breakthrough on a par with the Industrial Revolution, maybe even cheese.

    Now that the hive minds of our busy bee buzz have figured out the selfie stick, it’s only a matter of time before we conceive of the selfie stick holder.

    Wait a minute!


    I just did it!

    Yeah, yeah — so I totally GET the future right now!

    Selfie stick holders are just around the corner!

    Simply clip your pre-clipped phone n’ selfie stick combo to the convenience-bustin’ aluminium frame of your selfie stick holder — and shoot, shoot, shoot away.

    As hands-free solutions to shooting go, it beats a webcam operated drone-cum-Magnum by easily 5 years!

    Bonus: no more shots featuring Quasimodo-style shoulders!

    [Pauses to fix drink.]

    Ah.  I’ve just thought of a problem.

    Unless you fix your phone to some kind of timer, your selfie stick holder will need to come bundled with a special wireless remote control set.

    Without such an extra, you’d merely be swapping the shouldery Quasimodos for the blurriness of a melted Ben & Jerry’s Phish Food fishy.

    But, hey — who said anything about extra?

    Any wireless remote bundled with the fantastic new Selfie Stick Holder would constitute an essential.

    It would even have its own dedicated pocket in the rucksack-style leather Selfie Stick Holder bag.

    Hey, I don’t need telling about how the market works here.

    I’m merely creating products people will want to buy.


    The main selling points here are time and convenience.

    After all, it’s not too long ago that the whole business of taking photographs was a pain in the arse.

    1) No camera was smaller than a milk float.

    2) No roll of film allowed for more than 2 shots to be taken. (Okay, I exaggerate: it was 24 — but like baby turtles beaching up from a sea of sharks, none of those blurry, headless, aurora-bedazzled photos ever made the grade.)

    3) No horizon was complete without either GRANDMA or clothes with more fabric than the curtains of the London Palladium.

    4) No cropping, resizing, tinting, mailing or deleting: just an agonising week long wait culminating in an argument with the woman from Boots after she accidentally lost your negatives and processed a king size tube of Anusol.

    How did we survive?

    Sure, the Selfie Stick Holder will mean taking a few extra seconds to get the perfect shot, but think of all the hassle you’ll be saving thanks to NOT having a camera you can barely lift, NOT needing an anaconda reel of light-sensitive film, NOT being so limited in your photo taking opportunities that GRANDMA (and her dog) (and her budgie) (and her teeth) HAVE to be in every single shot, NOT having to wait so long, long, long, long, long  to see your holiday snaps that you might have aged beyond all recognition as if YOU were now a GRANDMA!

    After all, using the selfie stick already adds a few seconds to the (by now outmoded) business of taking a no-frills selfie, so why not go the extra mile on the post-39lb camera deal?

    If you’re so constrained by time that you feel the few extra seconds spent setting up your Selfie Stick Holder is a few extra seconds too far, then you always have the option of using your phone as a, like, phone, and calling someone who you discover from apps like PeepulNearMee and YoozaFuk? is within a few yards of you and your dinky new selfie-enhancing equipment rucksack, and saying, “hey, I’d really like to take a selfie with my selfie stick holder and my wireless remote control, but I’m a little short of the kind of time I might have if I merely wanted to look like Quasimodo or a melted Ben & Jerry’s Phish Food fishy, so could you give me a hand getting with getting the whole attractively colour-co-ordinated photo solution out of my rucksack and clipped together?”

    If you’re lucky, you might find someone who’ll reply, “Hey, why don’t I just take the bloody photo, you daft c*nt?

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