Monday, January 26, 2015
National Fuck All Day
Are there any days left that aren’t anything?
This time last week we had Blue Monday, before that it was National Winnie the Pooh Day and National Peking Duck Day, and today (hold your breath) (FFS!) look what a crock of shite miscellany we have to choose from:
National Spouses Day
National Peanut Brittle Day
National Ellen Degeneres Day
National Australia Day
National Republic Day (India)
National Muffin Day
National Bubble Wrap Appreciation Day
National Goat Rubbing Day
And, yes, before you ask — only one of those is a Whirl Special.
So, what are we supposed to do? Choose one? Mix n’ match? Or throw all our hats in the ring and celebrate the lot?
How joyous it would be to leap around with our partners, clad in kangaroo pelt saris, as we took selfies of our peanut brittle muffin smeared lips and popped the fuck out of a monster roll of bubble wrap.
Or maybe we could sport short blonde hair and pour Rogan Josh through a bubble wrap funnel onto the heads of platypi afloat on muffins as a “Jan 26th only” special offer protocol for weddings.
Or maybe...you get the point.
It’s like we’re filling the future up with nonsense, and elevating trivia such as goat rubbing to the status of a D Day, a Remembrance Sunday, or some other national commemoration of both moral and historical significance.
I say, go with the India and Australia by organising a game of cricket for your local mindfulness meditation group — and to buggery with the bubble wrap and the muffins.
And let’s find a day that isn’t yet anything — and make it National Fuck All Day.