Thursday, January 22, 2015
Death By Ideal Gift = YuleFail
Previously on My Life As A Christmas Gift Magnet...
“What shall we get Whirl for Christmas? I know — what about a pack of speciality coffee? Full of all the coffee flavours he loves, plus that extra taste of Christmas?”
“I've thought of the perfect gift for Whirl. You know he loves drinking tea and all? M&S have these special Christmas tea bags — the kind he'll really love.”
“You'll never guess what I've just seen online! It'll be perfect for Whirl! Imagine his face on Christmas morning when he opens up a mini-hamper of individually wrapped Christmas cheeses!”
“Whirl is in for a fantastic surprise this year. His favourite brewery has put out a speciality Christmas beer, brewed with cinnamon and elf piss. He'll go crazy.”
“Who knew you could get freeze-dried reindeer & humbug flavour turkey niblets? Whichever marketing team and zany chef combo dreamt this baby up must have had Whirl in mind for sure. So I've treated him to a thousand packets. In a trunk.”
“A Christmas jumper that you can eat? I thought I was going mad when I saw it online — but it's true. It's made of organic soya wool or something, and the idea is that you wear it over Christmas and then eat it prior to New Year. Anchovy flavour didn't sound too festive to me, but I fell in love with the berries. Whirl's gonna love it.”
“Mince pies. You can never have too many mince pies at Christmas.”
“...so after I ordered the Yule nuts and the spiced fruit puree dispenser, I came across this Christmas ice cream. It was made in Lapland, so it has to be the real deal, and it's kinda like Ben & Jerry's, only with more lumps. Every tub contains a chocolate Santa, two jelly reindeers and a monogrammed sugar snowball. I couldn't argue with all that for £20. Man, that's class. Whirl's always saying he likes the odd Christmassy treat so I snapped it up, just in case everyone else has bought him, like, socks.”
Currently, on My Life As An Immovable 45 Stone Hulk Of Processed Fat And Cinnamon Whose Desire To End It All Is Matched Only By The Urge (As Displayed By Teen Boys Rocking Out On Satyriasis) To Manifest A Boner...
Uhm, yeah — is there an app for this? Some charity that will come and take it all away? Or maybe Santa could have it all back and hand it out next year? To the poor? Or just destroy it with a nuclear flamethrower or something...?