Monday, January 19, 2015

Bogus Mizz = Swizz

    Today has been bad news since the middle of the last decade.

    From advertising promo to science dressed up as twonk, the advocates of Naysay have made merry with their withering hexes and named today the Monday from Hell.

    More specifically, Blue Monday

    So in the spirit of processed pessimism, here are some tips for ending your own life that will teach all the gloom merchants a thing or two about making overzealous zeal-free proclamations from the moment the autopsy guys take a look at your corpse.

    1) Blow all your savings on the most expensive abdominal Sky Travel tattoo you can afford — then blow your brains out live on the net.

    2) Submit your Ultimate Calculus Equation to the best mathematics researchers on the planet.  Your subsequent leap from the Leaning Tower of Pisa will prove your point sublimely: plummets to doom evidence minimal parabolas.

    3) No hangdog expression tops that of a noose-bound fizzog of rictus.  All those people complaining they’re in debt / unloved / hopeless: what do they fucking know?

    4) Wrap yourself in Attilla regalia woven from floral bouquets and parade round your local shopping mall — then slash your wrists from the embarrassment of mishearing “Blue Monday” as Bloom Hun Day.

    5) Microwave your own head while wearing a Dr Cliff Arnall T shirt.

    6) Donate what you can to your local mental health charity and pull the rug from under anyone trying to fuck with you about the “science” of Blue Monday.

    Yeah, actually — just do that last one.

    And drop in again on Thursday for more Winks at the Relentlessly Unreciprocal Abyss...

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