Monday, December 8, 2014
I love the way software installs so easily these days.
With the exception of iTunes, today's computer progs and apps have fewer seams than a voodoo doll stitched by a frugal witch.
Gone are the days of DOS commands to rival a chapter from War and Peace.
Instead, we have blissful instantaneousness of a kind only dreamt about by porn film directors in the flopdown moments between key shoots.
What a shame our newfound app-titude for user friendliness can't yet be applied to Christmas.
Please, Lords of MisYule, get your shit together and deliver me the perfect Figgy Pudding and Fully Operational Fairy Light Set combeau.
I want all the flavour of a firm, rich pudding AND no fiddling about with piddly light bulbs, HERE, NOW, on the same festive plate — along with a trained squirrel to write out all of my Christmas cards and an internet of things plugged in to Noddy Holder's bonhomie glands.
I want THAT!
I guess what I really want is for Christmas to be like it was when I was a kid.
Back then, everything was laid on, and just happened, from Santa arriving dead on schedule (and looking uncannily like my Dad) to that surreal “New Hamster For Old” offer my Mum discovered when Fluffcheeks choked on a Malteser from the advent calendar.
Adult Christmases are just SHIT.
Organising everything is like a high-stress carb-busting de-tox workout — of DOOM.
And the kids these days are so fucking ungrateful it's untrue.
I'm tempted to forgo the selection boxes and annuals this year in favour of miniature air pistols and a mash-up of famous TV and film suicides uploaded to their iPods, the bastards.
It's been a while since I feigned constipation and earned a luxury pamper day, and if truth be told, I love all the fuss and palaver.
Christmas isn't just about getting shedloads of presents.
It's great to receive, but the best part is giving, saying THANKS.
The great pity in this world is that precisely the same people who have no-one to receive gifts from are also likely to be those with no-one for whom to buy them.