Thursday, November 27, 2014

Vault Face: What To Expect From Saturn's Journey Through Scorpio


   You got two posts on Monday, so technically all that bonus material ought to mean you get nothing today, in a "pup eating two bowls of chunki-meet — and throwing up" kind of a way.

   But let it not be said that this blog lends itself easily to podged pup regurgitation scenarios!

   No way is Abysswinksback any kind of Two Bowler!

   So here's a predigested morsel from the vaults, still relevant, current and hip thanks to the movements of the heavens above.

   It's been a long time since I read people's horoscopes or divined futures from arrangements of leftover breakfast cereals.  Also, a long time since I was exposed as a con man — and threatened with violence.

   Truth be told, astrology is productless advertising, a feel-good narrative spun by seasoned dupers.

   And for me, this guy is the tops...


 
    Saturn began its journey through the murky depths of Scorpio in October 2012.  Wherever Saturn goes, he slows the world right down and challenges us to take a good hard look at ourselves.  When his heavenly motion is retrograde (as it has been since February 18th) it can seem as if the whole world has come to a standstill.  Nothing can move forward, nothing can be resolved — and for those who practice meditation, nothing can even come of nothing.  This challenging landscape is where most of us will find ourselves stuck until the latter half of 2015, and thanks to the influence of Scorpio, the difficulties presented to us will be of the life and death variety.  If we are to survive this phase, to grow and change and prosper, we’re going to have to get used to the idea that the time has come for many of our cherished beliefs and ideals to be abandoned.

   That’s why I’m giving up pork.  It’s been my favourite meat since I was a kid, and ever since I saw Burt Reynolds in Deliverance I’ve had a craving for the stuff.  Squeeeeee!  Squeeeeeeeee!  Hell, I hear that sound every time I bite into a pork rib or a naked piglet.  BUT SATURN SAYS I GOTTA STOP!  It’s a cherished ideal — BITE BITE BITE — and I’m crazy without it (16 GODDAMN HOURS NOW!!!)  But I have to grow I have to change I have to prosper I have to destroy and I’m giving up talking to my neighbours, writing my weekly astrology column for Transit In Vans, anything to do with wood BURN TABLES BURN CHAIRS BURN TREES THEY’RE OUT TO GET YOU and so then I can get full Saturn power, full Scorpio power to CRUSH THE INSECT HORDES UNDERFOOT they’re not laying eggs in my brain those ANTS in their hills crawling all over my face but I GET BIG POWER and destroy — oh, yeah I’m taking out the sausages too, all the beef ones, then its BIG TRANSFORMATION TIME BIF SATURN SCORPIO POWER TO CRUSH ALL THE ANTS DESTROY THEM BEFORE THEY EAT OUR CHILDREN AND RAVAGE OUR WORLD

    *

Jacuzzi Spakkert is an internationally renowned clairvoyant and mystic.  He has written scores of bestselling self-help books including The Zodiac of Love, How The Stars Can Get You What You Want and The Coming Age Is Yours.  His latest book, DESTROY THEM DESTROY THEM ALL hit bookstores in May 2012.  Jacuzzi lives in a self-built temple in Virginia with his wife, Maureen, their two children, Izaak and DEATHTOTHEBASTARDCRAWLINGHORDES, and four thousand devoted followers/mercenaries.  The Spakkerts famously sponsor a neglected donkey called Tony.

2 comments:

Evil Editor said...
I knew nothing of this. Can I watch televised golf the next two days without causing a war or a plague?
Whirlochre said...
It's debatable. If Woods isn't playing then you might be OK, but if he's out on the green while the Syrians are arming missiles with bubonic warts then you'd be better off switching over to snooker or goat racing.

No comments: