Thursday, November 13, 2014

The Curse Of Pre-Christmas

    It’s gettin’ to look a lot like Christmas.

    Not actually Christmas, as in stacks of tinsel and reindeer everywhere you look.

    It’s just LIKE Christmas.

    I’ve always been bugged by the way shops roll out the Santa with the prematurity of knee-jerk ejaculators, but at least in previous years they’ve been honest.

    We believe Christmas begins on November 21st, which is why we have our tree up and our elves gadding, cute n’ perky.

    Customers were then free to grumble or cheer as they shopped, the reliefmongers cussing the Twelfth Nighters for their traditions of misery, and much hissing of they’re completely ruining the spirit of the season on the ditto versa.

    The new pre-Christmas decorations throw the whole thing into disarray.

    The small Christmas is coming notices (compwete with twee iwwustwation) dangled tantalisingly in the red wine and dog food aisle the moment the hallowe’en stuff got binned are merely REMINDERS, as in

    * Your electricity bill is due.  Please pay within 30 days.
    * It’s time for your six-monthly dental check-up.  Please call the surgery at your earliest convenience.
    * We Sommaly piratts.  We hav ur parants.  Pay 1m quids or thay dye neks fiday.

    “Too early to put up the Christmas decorations, Sir?  Indeed it is, which is why you’ll see nothing of the kind in any of our stores for at least another week.  What you see is what you always see: informative, helpful in-store publicity, all of which serves to highlight our forthcoming offers.  We sincerely believe it is in our customers’ interests to provide information that might interest them.  We all have to stock up and keep costs down, and our promotional information reflects this.  We think it’s good news for customers, good news for business — and good news for Christmas.”

    At which point I wrestled the guy behind the counter into the freezer cabinet and clubbed him to death with a pack of frozen beefburgers.

    Regrettably, they were not “2-for-1" — or I might have pummelled his brains out.


fairyhedgehog said...

And we should thank the shops for reminding us that Christmas is coming. After all, it only happens once a year so there's always the risk we might forget and not buy all the things.

Whirlochre said...

Thhis is going to sound very weird, but — you're right!

It's not like the Olympics or shit.