Monday, September 29, 2014

Writing Is Kung Fu Fighting

    Every word you write is a YAH!  HAH!  WHAH! at the concrete block held nervously by your Shaolin temple master.

    Every sentence you construct is a HAAAAH!  HWAAAAR!  YEEEEEE! smack on the pressure points of your hooded assailants.

    Every paragraph you complete is a WHAAAAAAAR!  HI-YAAAAAAAR!  EEEEEEEEEEEE! delivered as a single paralyzing blow to the tattooed, shuriken-hurling madman before you.

    Every chapter you craft is a WAAAAAAIIIIEEEE!  YAAAAAAAAAAAAA!  HIEEEE-AAAAAAAAA! kicked and punched, Nuryev-like, at the snarling faces of the flick-flacking Triad Queen gymnasts encircling you.

    Every novel you finish is a HEEEE-YAAAAAAAA-IEEEEEE!  HWAAAAA-HAAAAAA!  YAAAA-HIIII-EEEEEEEEEEE!, stunning in its uncompromising ability to terminally rupture every organ, every blood vessel, of the rhinoskin-clad ninja death squad whirling its assemblage of razor-sharp swords inches from your heroically bared six pack.


    No way, Ho Tse!

    According to none other than Bruce Lee (that’s “Mr Actual Kung Fu” to you, my friends), it’s important for all of us to be  “like water making its way through cracks. Do not be assertive, but adjust to the object, and you shall find a way around or through it. If nothing within you stays rigid, outward things will disclose themselves. Empty your mind, be formless. Shapeless, like water. If you put water into a cup, it becomes the cup. You put water into a bottle and it becomes the bottle. You put it in a teapot, it becomes the teapot. Now, water can flow or it can crash. Be water, my friend.”

    In other words, avoid vague imagery — and hire a decent fucking editor.

    As writers, it’s also important that we wear zany loon pants while putting pen to paper.

    I’ve thoroughly researched this online, and although the one killer reference still eludes me, I just know in my heart that it feels so goddamn right.

    So, whatever you’re writing today, PANT UP and have at it like you’re Captain Maim Cripple & Kill himself, flying through the air in slow motion with a HIIII-EEEEEEEEE!  HWAAAAAH!  YAAAAAAAAAAAA!

    Writing IS Kung Fu fighting.  And you know it.


fairyhedgehog said...

If by "writing" you mean coming up with the occasional blog post, and by "zany loon pants" you mean pyjama bottoms, then I've got it sussed.

Whirlochre said...

I can always rely of the Hog of Quality to deliver the goods...