Monday, July 21, 2014

On The Couch With Sock Monkey




SM:  Huh.  What’s summoned you from your gutter this morning?

WO:  Maybe the same thing that prompted you to open up shop again?

SM: Hey — it’s not my fault my last client was a flip-flop sporting weirdo.  Besides, I made a promise to myself when I was a baby monkey that I’d spend some time in the Bahamas one day.  Only ‘one day’ ran to over three years...

WO: Okay, I’ll buy it.

SM: So, what do you want, Big Nose?

WO:  I need to do something to boost my online platform.

SM:  Beats penile enhancement I suppose.  But, go on...

WO: I have a modest blog, a few Twitter friends and a little Facebook activity — but nothing that’s ever going to turn me into a stellar household name to rival Johnny Depp or any of those viral YouTube celebrities.

SM:  Why don’t you try shooting yourself?  That’ll make the news for a few minutes.

WO: Nah.  Shooting myself doesn’t suit my temperament.  I’m more of a shoot other people kind of a guy.

SM: Well, then — there you have it.  Why not forget this A-Bus-Wanks-Broth cookery website of yours and carve yourself an online niche as a cunning assassin or brutal murderer?

WO: Hey, Abysswinksback is a writing site, not a cookery site.  I offer modest writing advice and post cartoons and maybe some writing and occasionally some fantasies and horoscopes and everything.

SM: That’s hardly ‘niche’.

WO: So you’re saying I should trim down?  Drop some of the cartoons and bloggerly celebrations in favour of...of what? The writing adviceStories?

SM:  I’m saying GO KILL A FEW PEOPLE AND THEN WRITE ABOUT IT.

WO:

SM: Shoot videos, post photos, DESCRIBE.  You could still incorporate a few recipes if you went the whole hog and multiclassed as a psychopath/cannibal.

WO: With my fridge freezer?  There’s barely enough room for cheese and vegetables, let alone mutilated corpses.

SM: A purist would argue that cheese and vegetables ARE mutilated corpses.  Having some guy’s skull sitting alongside your courgettes and your Emmental would be like levelling up.

WO: Okay, so let’s assume I go with your plan.  How long before the police come knocking at my door?

SM: They won’t.  You’re a psychopath/cannibal on the run.  Killing incognito.  Feasting only at night.  Always moving on.

WO: With a fridge freezer?

SM: Buy a jeep.

WO: Jeeps are hardly incognito-friendly.  Especially in Midlandio-sur-Mer.

SM: Okay then, buy a white van.

WO: Actually, that’s not a bad idea.  If I set myself up as a mobile fishmonger I can combine the whole incognito deal with solving the fridge freezer problem.

SM: I have a better solution.  You’re already multitasking as a psychopath/cannibal, so why not double up on the van also?

WO: Shoot.

SM
: How about you masquerade as a mobile fishmonger cum mobile poodle pamperer?

WO: It’s a winner!

SM: Then get out there right away! No fee today.  Get on it.

WO: Right.  Okay.  Brilliant...

[Door to Sock Monkey’s counselling suite cum sucker magnet closes.]

SM: I thank you.

1 comment:

fairyhedgehog said...

And now I shall have nightmares about fishmongers in white vans. Thank you, Sock Monkey.