Monday, July 21, 2014
On The Couch With Sock Monkey
SM: Huh. What’s summoned you from your gutter this morning?
WO: Maybe the same thing that prompted you to open up shop again?
SM: Hey — it’s not my fault my last client was a flip-flop sporting weirdo. Besides, I made a promise to myself when I was a baby monkey that I’d spend some time in the Bahamas one day. Only ‘one day’ ran to over three years...
WO: Okay, I’ll buy it.
SM: So, what do you want, Big Nose?
WO: I need to do something to boost my online platform.
SM: Beats penile enhancement I suppose. But, go on...
WO: I have a modest blog, a few Twitter friends and a little Facebook activity — but nothing that’s ever going to turn me into a stellar household name to rival Johnny Depp or any of those viral YouTube celebrities.
SM: Why don’t you try shooting yourself? That’ll make the news for a few minutes.
WO: Nah. Shooting myself doesn’t suit my temperament. I’m more of a shoot other people kind of a guy.
SM: Well, then — there you have it. Why not forget this A-Bus-Wanks-Broth cookery website of yours and carve yourself an online niche as a cunning assassin or brutal murderer?
WO: Hey, Abysswinksback is a writing site, not a cookery site. I offer modest writing advice and post cartoons and maybe some writing and occasionally some fantasies and horoscopes and everything.
SM: That’s hardly ‘niche’.
WO: So you’re saying I should trim down? Drop some of the cartoons and bloggerly celebrations in favour of...of what? The writing advice? Stories?
SM: I’m saying GO KILL A FEW PEOPLE AND THEN WRITE ABOUT IT.
SM: Shoot videos, post photos, DESCRIBE. You could still incorporate a few recipes if you went the whole hog and multiclassed as a psychopath/cannibal.
WO: With my fridge freezer? There’s barely enough room for cheese and vegetables, let alone mutilated corpses.
SM: A purist would argue that cheese and vegetables ARE mutilated corpses. Having some guy’s skull sitting alongside your courgettes and your Emmental would be like levelling up.
WO: Okay, so let’s assume I go with your plan. How long before the police come knocking at my door?
SM: They won’t. You’re a psychopath/cannibal on the run. Killing incognito. Feasting only at night. Always moving on.
WO: With a fridge freezer?
SM: Buy a jeep.
WO: Jeeps are hardly incognito-friendly. Especially in Midlandio-sur-Mer.
SM: Okay then, buy a white van.
WO: Actually, that’s not a bad idea. If I set myself up as a mobile fishmonger I can combine the whole incognito deal with solving the fridge freezer problem.
SM: I have a better solution. You’re already multitasking as a psychopath/cannibal, so why not double up on the van also?
SM: How about you masquerade as a mobile fishmonger cum mobile poodle pamperer?
WO: It’s a winner!
SM: Then get out there right away! No fee today. Get on it.
WO: Right. Okay. Brilliant...
[Door to Sock Monkey’s counselling suite cum sucker magnet closes.]
SM: I thank you.