Monday, June 9, 2014

Top Tips For A Winning Christmas

    Leaving Christmas to the last minute is a surefire way of inseminating your home with strife.

    It simply won’t do to “jot down a few ideas” about presents or turkey accompaniments — or whatever — when Santa’s backside is poking from your fireplace at 3am on Christmas morning.

    That’s why it pays to be prepared.

    As the foxgloves loft themselves towards the sun and pleasure seekers young and old sport visible pubic hair from gaps in flappy shorts, bikinis or thongs, there are a number of things you can do to avert disaster when Yuletide comes a-knocking.

    In fact, if you listen hard between the huffs and puffs on paddling pools and the slap of sun cream on backs, you may just hear the rapping of Santa’s “Early Warning” elf patrol.  Truth is, they’ve been at it since the middle of January.

    So here are a few things you can be getting on with right now.

    1)  Make a shopping list for family and friends.  Those items may be in the shops now!  So buy them, wrap them, write the fancy labels.  Then store away in boxes: 2014, 2015, 2016 etc.

    2)  Buy a turkey from a local farm and keep it in your shed — along with a pickaxe and a decent roll of polythene from B&Q.

    3)  Download your favourite Christmas songs and compile your iPod playlists, leaving space for any new offerings from Justin Bieber or Katie Price that may come along.  Don’t forget to prune out “Rock n’ Roll Christmas” by Gary Glitter.

    4)  Crochet your own tinsel from an astronaut suit.

    5)  Check out all the bulbs on the fairy lights and have a dummy run of your exterior decorations, bearing in mind that it won’t be dark till 9-10pm so there’s no need to switch everything on at 4pm.  Electricity costs money, even at Christmas!

    These few simple hints should see you on your way to enjoying a better festive experience.  You could even incorporate them into your schedule come September and November, just to be on the safe side.

    Bon Noel!


fairyhedgehog said...

"La la la la la, can't hear you."

Whirlochre said...

Is this an alternative version of Jingle Bells...?