Saturday, June 14, 2014

Hodgson: England Have Never Played Sober

Hodgson: England Have Never Played Sober

Article by Rory Fugglory

    In the run-up to England’s crucial World Cup clash against Italy, Roy Hodgson has hit out at critics by claiming that the squad was permanently drunk during every campaign since 1966.

    At a press conference to launch his Simply Ruffled range of designer hair lacquer, the cheery England manager fielded questions about the frailty of England’s World Cup performances over the past quarter of a century, citing excessive alcohol consumption as the main reason for the team’s poor results.

    Buoyed by the paparazzi’s interest, he unveiled thousands of images from his cell phone, including a pile of empties the size of a Ford Mondeo from the ‘sesh’ prior to the infamous 4-1 defeat to Germany in 2010 and a camel bag used by successive captains over the years to combine the honour of playing for their country with the buzz of knocking back more max strength lager in the space of ninety minutes than most of the squad’s loyalest supporters.

    In news that shocked the footballing world, Hodgson went on to claim that England’s boozy antics were nothing new.  “Forget the glory boys of 1966,” he said.  “If the Germans had tackled harder they’d have won — but they were shit scared of being glassed.”

    By way of a rebuttal, legal representatives for past and present members of the squad submitted a curt disclaimer to the High Court, adding, “it may look like a hastily scrawled cock and balls, but if you read between the lines, it’s a pair of tits.”

    FIFA officials are now studying video footage of every England game from the past fifty years using technology developed for town centre CCTV cameras.

    According to a spokesman, “what we always presumed were diabolical dribbling skills may be no more than a desperate attempt to remain upright after tubbing in excess of 70 units of alcohol.”

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