Monday, May 5, 2014

What Kind Of Bank Holiday Celebrator Are You?

    Bank Holiday Monday is with us once again, this time in the form of a deferred Cornish drunken orgy cum workers’ holiday kinda shebang, and everyone who’s anyone who’s someone other than no one is CELEBRATING THE HECK ON OUTTA THEIR GODDAMN HECK!

    But what kind of Bank Holiday Celebration Guru are YOU? 

    Beaming sunshine or drizzly shower?  London Zoo or Domestos World?  Open highway or 15 mile tailback on the A5?

    Why not take this fun Abysswinksback Bank Holiday test — and find out!.

1) Oh No!  Legoland has run out of burgers for the kids!  What are you going to do?

a) Keep smiling
b) Buy hot dogs
c) Complain to Mr Lego
d) Punch the nearest fat woman
e) Clamber on top of the burger van and belt out a song in my bra and pants

2) Your doorbell rings.  Instead of the salesman you expected, it’s PRINCE WILLIAM.  Over to you, bank holiday dude!

a) Oh, I scream and scream and scream and offer him M&S vol au vents
b) Time to discuss my Royal Family mug, plate, glass, saucepan and garden hoe collection
c) Ask him where Harry is
d) Dig out the nearest weapon and SLASH SLASH SLASH
e) Twerk till my knicker elastic goes ping

3) You’re judging traditional English puddings with Heston Blumenthal.  Dale Winton’s Spotted Dick is a disaster, but you know that if you’re overly critical he’ll throw a hissy fit and top himself.  Blumenthal’s cutting remarks have propelled the tangerine popster right to the very edge — and now it’s your turn.  What do you say about Winton’s Dick?

a) What a fabulous creation
b) My, this could almost be from Waitrose
c) Have you ever felt any of the National Lottery balls?
d) Tastes like shit, you weirdo
e) If you tug hard on my nipples, this glitzy 6 foot high disco ball hat of mine lights up and fires lightning bolts

4) Uh oh.  It’s raining.  What do you do to make a drizzly bank holiday really special?

a) Every bank holiday is special, even the drizzly ones
b) Open up a can of John West red salmon and defrost a few baguettes
c) Scream, “told you so”
d) Construct an incendiary device
e) High kick my way down the street brandishing a lewd abdominal tattoo

5) A trio of jumbo jets collides over Hawaii prompting a nuclear stand-off between Honolulu and the West.  What kind of baby giraffe are you?

a) I’m on my feet from the word go, gambollin’ and being generally spotty
b) Long neck, curious, optimistic
c) Rarely ill but prone to gnat bites
d) The killer kind — punching at people’s faces with my baby giraffe hooves like a downtrodden housewife moments after being informed of George Clooney’s death
e) The kind that flashes its gash on live TV and makes provocative remarks with all the innate talent of a toddler showing a total lack of respect for breakables or the pain threshold of pets


Rank yourself thusly:

For every a — minus 2 points
For every b — minus 1 point
For every c — zero points
For every d — plus 1 point
For every e — plus 2 points   


0-4 Points
Dedicated Bank Holiday Lover

Nothing thrills you more than the prospect of a national holiday dependent on the closure of banks.  You have T shirts, hats, balloons, flip flops and kazoos to commemorate the event, and you’re more than capable of pissing EVERYONE off with your enthusiasm, especially if it rains.

5-8 Points
Cool Bank Holiday Enjoyer

Sure, there’s work to be done, but you can JUST ABOUT set it all aside and make an effort to ENJOY YOURSELF.  Why, you may even treat yourself to an ice cream.  And you may even EAT IT.

9-12 Points
“Take It Or Leave It” Bank Holiday Neutral

Bank holidays are perfect for finally figuring out what the fuck is wrong with the lawnmower or slapping blobs of Polyfilla over every crack in every wall in your living room, kitchen, bathroom, bedroom — and shed.  As an added bonus, you don’t need to shave — especially if you’re a goil.

13-16 Points
Bank Holiday Hater
Time to fill the scoop of your purpose built Antibankholiday Catapult with lukewarm cow muck and bombard every garden in the street before pumping the very worst death metal from a giant speaker stack at 9000 decibels and going on the rampage with an UZI.  Bank holiday?  GRRRRR!!!!

17-20 Points
Lady Gaga

You like nothing better than stripping down to your underwear and pretending you can sing as well as Charlotte Church.  Objectionable, and weirder looking than a mutant horse, you are universally loathed by everyone other than inadequate males unable to control their need to masturbate.


fairyhedgehog said...

S'easy. I'm the "how the heck am I going to go in to work tomorrow if my throat stays like this" kind.

Whirlochre said...

Oh dear. Are we talking illness or exuberant rejoicing?

Gargle with milk an honey, or maybe some of that Guinness stuff...

fairyhedgehog said...

Definitely not exuberant rejoicing, worse luck! Strepsils and paracetamol will see me right. And sleep. Lots and lots of lovely sleep!

Whirlochre said...

Why not try frying a knockout trout? All the taste of a regular trout, all the somniferocity of a morphine enema...

Jinksy said...

And then, of course, there are those who choose to spend the day creating a blogpost. Hehehe!Is'nt that celebration enough?

Whirlochre said...

Hi Jinks.

Bet you get that a lot.

But, hey.

Weird thing is, most of my posts are pre-boiled.

Some good ones in the hopper for May.