Monday, April 28, 2014

Number 1 Surefire LOLcat Generation Technique


We all know LOLcats are the funniest thing since poking a nerd in the eye with a pencil.

They make us laugh and laugh and laugh and laugh and laugh and laugh and laugh and laugh and laugh and laugh and laugh and laugh and laugh and laugh and laugh and laugh and laugh and laugh and laugh and laugh and laugh and laugh and laugh and laugh and laugh and laugh and laugh and laugh and laugh and laugh and laugh and laugh and laugh and laugh and laugh and laugh and laugh and laugh and laugh and laugh and laugh and laugh and laugh and laugh and laugh and laugh and laugh and laugh and laugh and laugh and laugh and laugh and laugh and laugh and laugh and laugh and laugh and laugh and laugh and laugh and laugh and laugh and laugh and laugh and laugh until our sides split so much that we might as well have been gutted by a cruel pirate.

Zillions of LOLcats are viewed, downloaded and LOVED by zillions of people every day!

And the cool guys responsible for pumping those images OUT THERE are earning a FORTUNE!

So here’s how YOU can get in on the act!

It’s a surefire method for BEING SUCCESSFUL made up of SURER FIRE than the last surefire method I trailed a while back.

SO IT’S GOTTA BE GOOD!

First, you need to track down a suitable LOLcat picture.

Like this one.



Hmmm, it’s funny — but not that funny.

Throwing in a pirate analogy, this one might leave you moderately gutted on one side, but in order to achieve the full disembowelment effect, the pirate responsible for spilling your innards would need the assistance of a CONFEDERATE to pull out your intestines and toss your liver and kidneys a couple of feet farther along the pavement (or the decking of the pirate vessel, assuming you’d decided to laugh and laugh and laugh closer to where the pirates had their cutlass store).

What THIS LOLcat needs is a FUNNY CAPTION.

Something like THIS:



Now you have an intrinsically funny image linked to an intrinsically funnier caption that’s guaranteed to prompt laughter from everyone who sees it.

Fine.  But is it good enough for FACEBOOK?

Good question.

If you’re going to get anywhere with the whole LOLcat deal, posting your pix to FACEBOOK is an essential part of your strategy.

The moment your friends see your killer LOLcats on FACEBOOK, they’ll head on over to your LOLcat blog, leave an enthusiastic comment, return to FACEBOOK, re-post the photo, tweet the photo, Pinterest and Tumblr and Instagram the photo, all the while whooping and hollering like the sexiest dentist on the planet inserted something courgette-shaped and vibrating up their do-do pipes.

Want more?

OK — then fix up some EXPLETIVES.

This way, all the whooping and hollering and bzzzzzzt-bzzzzzzzting is guaranteed to be accompanied by a whole bunch of PEEING.



But don’t overdo the whole expletives thing!  When it comes to humorous feline  FUCK and BUGGER and BLOODY and BASTARD, less is definitely more.



This looks like it ought to be hugely hilarious, but it ISN’T.



Say what?



Bozos?  What bozos?



But you’re okay, right?  I mean, like the nails haven’t gone through to your brain or anything?




Hey, we gotta GET those bozos!



Let me fetch a crowbar.  Once I’ve pulled you free, I can sit you in a wheelbarrow and we can NAIL those bozos big time.



Forgive me for sounding insensitive, but when you’re nailed to the floor, it doesn’t pay to be too picky about the particulars of your rescue.



Where’s the mental cruelty in suggesting that I prise you free and sit you in a wheelbarrow?  Once we track those evil bozos down, you’ll make the perfect spiked club if I can swing you hard enough.



Okay.  Fine.  I understand your pain, but a wheelbarrow is no pushchair, and I’m no bozo — so what’s the beef?



Yeah — but I’m not a bozo, right?




Hey, little kitty — what is it?



Are you sure?  Is it hurting more, or have the nails shifted while you were talking?



Kitty?


Kitty?
















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