Monday, February 3, 2014

How To Write Articles For The Tablet Generation


    Writing articles for the tablet generation is easy.

    It’s almost easier than breathing.

    You can do it.

    Right now!


    How you can do this right now

    Read on.

    It’s easy.   


    First off, have absolutely nothing to say

   
Everyone uses their tablet for wasting time, so the less you have to say, the more you will help them.

    So keep your articles short.

    Snappy.

    Vacuous.


    With plenty of spaces between lines, paragraphs and




words.

    ● And don’t forget the bullet points!

    It’s simple advice, but remember: your readers are simpler than simplicity itself and they will thank you for treating them like goobers.


    Repeat yourself as often as you can

 
    Ever forgotten a nursery rhyme?

    There’s all the proof you need that repetition works!

    Especially when allied to the concept of keeping things simple.


    And all of the other great, great strategies I’ve discussed●

    So.

    Far.


    Because remember no one actually wants to read informative articles any more.  Especially goobers with tablets.

    They want simplicity.

    Repetition.

    ● Bullet points.

    In short, they want to run their eyes over a series of words and feel like they’ve learned something worthwhile without having to expend any energy whatsoever.

    That’s where your articles come in.

    Simple articles that you write, complete with repetition and bullet points.

    Study after study after study shows that repetition and simplicity are the keys to success when it comes to writing articles for goobers.  If you choose your words carefully, people will keep reading — especially when you have nothing whatsoever to say.


    3) Bamboozle your readers with numbered lists
 


    No one reads essays any more.

    It’s too hard.

    Paragraph after paragraph after paragraph of wordsallmuddledupclosetogether that you have to think about???

    No way!

    José!

    So help your readers by using numbers.

    And lists.

    In ways that combine the two.

    Forget ‘beginning, middle and ending’, ‘premise’, and ‘concluding paragraph’.

    These terms are DINOSAURS!

    Instead, think ‘1 to 10'.

    It’s all you need to make your articles sing.

    But remember: take care at all times never to have anything to say!

    Your readers will SWITCH OFF!

    Or PLAY ANGRY BIRDS!


    So, again, from the top

 
   The keys to keeping your readers reading are simple:

    1) Use numbered lists or bullet points.

    ● Because paragraphs are dumb!

    2) Keep finding new and better ways to say NOTHING.

    3) Repeat yourself as many times as you can.

    4) Never forget your readers are goobers.

    5) Spring the occasional surprise.


    17) How to spring the occasional surprise without breaking the rules of simplicity, repetition, and all the other cool stuff






    Everyone loves a baby animal.

    Simple.


    Okay — what next?

    Now you’ve written your article, you have to put it out there.

    Facebook, Twitter, Tumblr — any place you can.

    Over and over and over.

    It’s repetition again, see?

    You don’t just need to write for your readers.  You need to feed them too!

    Just like the hamster!!!

    So tap into every social media and feed portal you can.

    Replicate your simple replications.

    Let ‘em have it — any which way, any all ways.

    Your stuff.

    Right there.

    Bam!



    On tablet after tablet.



    Your feeds: alerting your readers.

    Your articles: bamboozling their brains.

    Yet all the while saying nothing.

    Because nothing that sounds like something is

    What.

    Goobers.

    15) ●Want.





  

2 comments:

fairyhedgehog said...

Sorry, I got as far as the hamster but then I started playing Angry Birds on my laptop.

Or was it KaBauble? Some game or other anyway. It's not like I'm easily distr

Whirlochre said...

Oh I get it. Distracted by Fix Self A Smoothie...