Tuesday, December 10, 2013
Stick It Up Your Noddy Holder
One question springing like a skimpily-trunked Tom Daley from everyone’s lips right now is when to stick up the Christmas tree?
It’s a tactical move on a par with choices made by football managers in the 75th minute of a critical game: Do I go now with the puppy zest 16 year-old striker, or wait another five minutes? Should I have played him fifteen minutes after half time? Does my new hair clash with this designer tracksuit ‘n’ thigh length pirate boot combo?
Get it wrong, and Juventus romp home to a ten-nil victory. Their fans plunder your home for valuables. Everyone is force fed pasta and Pavarotti for the rest of their lives. And so on.
I’m thinking it’s kind of a tough one this year, the whole tree thing. Last weekend seemed a little to early, yet this coming weekend seems a little too late. In the Christmas tree erection dilemma stakes, truly mankind is as a trio of potentially violent bears testing porridge for optimum heat — only in this case what’s “just right” is probably today, which is clearly ruled out because no-one sticks their tree up on a Tuesday.
Right now, every street in town glows with the half promise of Christmas. Some have gone early while others wait a few more days. Others still may be dead, and only their lack of twinklies come the 28th or 29th will serve to alert oblivious neighbours to their plight and prevent unpleasant scenes later in the Spring involving ambulances, mould and teams of police frogmen.
So, spill the beans, followers all — when are you sticking yours up?