A wrinkled bag of bear flesh
bobbling in the shrubbery of the night
will exorcise all demons from the fripplitude
and seal the universe’s edges tight
‘sif Thor and all accordions had landed
in a buggy in the streets of Bude
and camel gas rosters of oblivion
were not considered rude.
All nonsense, of course — but there’s a point to all of this (unlike Brad Pitt’s ears, which are unduly curvaceous).
A while ago I subscribed to an online podcast service called Odiogo. Sounds like a porridge mixture used by medieval assassins, but turns out to be a dinky way of transforming all your blog posts into downloadable or RSS-Feedable mp3 snippets read aloud by a weirdly robotic-sounding electro-American.
If memory serves me correctly, I signed up thanks to Odiogo’s cast-iron guarantee that having a WR-SE-A read out your stuff and clog up all your followers’ email inboxes with garbage was a sure-fire (that’s kind of like ‘cast-iron Plus’) way of (and I quote) “driving traffic to your blog”.
Clearly, most of this “traffic” drove on immediately to the burger place round the corner.
When I pulled the plug on Odiogo, they slipped it back in again with the glee of a sexually habituated cyborg re-inserting a long-lost Gazzum Module.
Please May I unsubscribe from your service?
I’m really not interested in your podcast service right now, please can I unsubscribe?
Listen, you obstructive fuckers, unsubscribe me NOW before I send in the boys from COPHOUSE CENTRAL!!!”
Can you see a theme developing here?
In the end, I gave up on giving up on Odiogo — until last night. As I trained my flamethrower on my computer, it occurred to me that some of my more recent posts actually kind of work when read aloud by a WR-SE-A.
Try this one, for instance (though watch out — it pops up and asks to be saved with the verve of an erect penis before a hooker's pursed lips...).
Or maybe this one.
Or, for the benefit of rapture-lovers from the twilight kingdom of the bedevilled swamp-moose, this very post in maybe a few days’ time. Cock.
Was it Emerson who said, “it pays to have another string to your bow, particularly if you’re a keen archer engaged in top level competition like possibly the Olympics, or a Robin Hood enthusiast keen to rise above the swamp of historical character re-enacters worldwide”? Oh, no — it was me again.
Anyhow, go and check them out...