Tuesday, March 5, 2013

On Death, Abduction — And Elephants


What is it at the moment with all these abduction-based TV series?

No matter when I tune in these days — to the Beeb, ITV, Channel 5, Dave, or The Flog-a-Shite-o-Wank Discount Bonus Shopping Channel — there always seems to be an edgy drama loosely based around the theme of child abduction and murder.

Personally, I’d prefer a circus show, with plenty of jolly clowns and formation pissing elephants, but when it came to choosing the heads of all these TV channels, the guys in the know foolishly overlooked me.

As a result, it’s DEATH DEATH DEATH, night after night after night — a relentless bombardment of DEATH punctuated only by protracted periods of ABDUCTION.

Don’t these TV guys understand that if we abduct and kill all the kids, there will be no one around to watch the bloody telly in fifteen years time?

And where are these kidnapped and bludgeoned infants going, anyway?  Perhaps there’s an alternate reality full of TV shows loosely based around the theme of spontaneous manifestations of parentless kids.

I’m in no way bitter about BEING OVERLOOKED FOR THE POSITION OF KID ABDUCTION & DEATH ALLOCATION GUY, but these TV buffoons need to sort out this potentially destabilising situation before some of the kids in Spontaneous Manifestation Land get sent back to Cudgel-to-the-head-before-shallow-burial Land and suffocate to death beneath a pile of mattresses OR the child killers from both places wise up to the anomaly and start going crazy with the old folk and their pets.

Formation pissing elephants! 

Eight of them, arranged in a pyramid, as their urine flies in Vegas fountain style arcs! 

NOW!  NOW!  NOW! 

Before the Universe goes Kid Abduction & Chainsaw Mayhem Crayzeeeeee!



4 comments:

Donna Hole said...

Well, certainly not the TV viewing replacement I had in mind. How about balloons with happy faces :)

........dhole

Whirlochre said...

It was on the tip of my tongue, honest — but the elephants beat me to it.

fairyhedgehog said...

I have to say that happy-faced balloons appeal more than pissing elephants.

But only just.

Whirlochre said...

If I inflate an elephant, would that be a halfway house kind of a happy medium?