Friday, January 11, 2013

Purchase 100% Vileness Now

Hand, foot and mouth disease is a highly contagious infection which predominantly affects small children.  Symptoms include a scar-like rash, blisters and itchiness, and though they may persist for up to a week, the danger to overall health is minimal.

Son-of-Whirl has now been infected for nine days with the worst case his doctor has ever seen and his extremities (including his nose) now resemble the horriblest kind of fusion between a syphilitic whore’s rancid dangly bits, a Domino's Max Tomato Ketchup pizza and the pustulent undulations that erupt on mild-mannered Jacob Windermere’s skin whenever he transforms into Captain Fucking Fucking Fucking Dreadful Acne.

If you’re a film producer seeking inspiration for alien flesh textures or landscapes, or a horror novelist needing exotic visual stimuli for your latest nightmare ripper, jpegs of my son’s skin are now available to purchase at the knock-down price of £25 per thousand pixels.

Warning: if you’re susceptible to vomiting, viewing these pictures may make you puke your own toenails.


fairyhedgehog said...

Poor Son of Whirl! Give him my sympathy.

I'd never even heard of hand, foot and mouth disease and it looks nasty.

Whirlochre said...

Hog (Still Just About Manay)

It's particularly rampant amongst the under-10s so watch out when you're hovering o'er your tiny charges.

fairyhedgehog said...


Do you think it would be over the top to turn up to work wearing a radiation suit and scuba gear?

Whirlochre said...

Fashion Hog

It's my default gear for writing.

fairyhedgehog said...

That explains so much.

(PS do you realise I have to type in a stupid, hard-to-read word recognition every single time I comment? Aargh! I must really, really want to comment in here.)

Whirlochre said...

Non-Robotic Rodent of Wonder

It's a dilemma. A few months ago I was besieged by spammers and my regular commenters found their email inboxes similarly deluged.

Time to return to simple comment moderation. That seemed to work best.