Tuesday, January 1, 2013
Et Voila! C'est Votre 2013!
Okay, so New Year was a disaster.
I’d hired a gorillagram to stop by the house shortly after midnight and make with the Auld Lang Syne japes. As perfect plans go, it’s up there with making sure the first man on the moon isn’t called Buzz, bundling ducks with all the genetic hardware needed to both swim and look cute, and that great noise you can make with a roll of waxing strip and a suitably primed hirsute eunuch. Let’s be clear, this was no stripping “hot sex” kind of gorillagram destined to wheelbarrow shame onto my family home — I’d paid an extra thirty quid for the No Kisses or Cocks option and on that front, at least, I wasn’t disappointed. My plan should have worked a treat. But it didn’t.
The main problem was that everyone in my neighbourhood had clearly come up with the same brilliant idea, and by 11.15pm the whole town was paralyzed by gridlock. In every street and avenue from the centre of town to the ring roads on out, costumed men and women sat, bumper to bumper, cussing the worst outbreak of mass synchronised behaviour since Russell T. Davies was in charge of Dr Who. By 11.55pm, sixteen policemen had been hospitalised, numerous cats accidentally neutered by everything from bicycles to the credit cards of drunken revellers, and corpses laid to rest between 1611 and 1978 came gallumping from the sod with zombie wails. Okay, maybe I lied about that last part for comedic effect, but you get the general idea. It was chaos.
I type this brief account on New Year’s morn, assaulted by the hawang-hwang-hwang of overhead choppers. According to the emergency services it’ll be well over a week before the final kissy kissy apes are prised from their vehicles. In the mean time, everyone from the fire brigade to the Big Society Ant-riot S.W.A.T. teams to press-ganged boy scouts with nothing else better to do is sweeping the streets looking for survivors and handing out food parcels to the needy.
If you stayed in to watch the Hootenanny, you were lucky.
How was the very start of 2013 for you?