Tuesday, October 30, 2012

Bug-a-Ghoul Nite

Hallowe’en is traditionally a great time for witches and spectres — a chance to let down hair and ectoplasm for a night-long festival of ghoulishness.

For the rest of us it’s a bloody irritation as gangs of spotty kids come a-knocking and a-tricking and a-treating while we’re trying to enjoy our supper or catch up on missed TV shows or generally persist in a kid-free zone.

It may be different in some parts of the world, but here in the UK you simply can’t get away with opening fire on the buggers with any kind of submachinegun, and pouring boiling oil from an upstairs window is a costly DIY disaster waiting to happen.

So what can you do?  To keep the howling, woooo-ing little brats from your door?

Here are some suggestions.

Hire Arnold Scwarzenegger

He’s expensive, but indisputably reliable.  Stick Arnie in your porch with a huge two-handed sword or cyborg zapper and any unwanted ghoulies will be too busy shitting their own pants to  scare you into shitting yours.  If he’s armed with any speeches from his California governor days, then so much the better.

Play a 70s Top Of The Pops LP at full blast

Guaranteed to turn anyone’s hair white with fear.

Pig-sit for a local farmer

Fill your driveway with stinking swine pumped full of max strength laxatives — then watch as  every skeleton and would-be Frankenstein’s monster is smothered in high velocity bum juice.

Dig a fifty foot pit and cover it with astroturf

Ha!  If you’re feeling fancy, you can tip the spikes at the base of the pit with toasted marshmallows.

Display an inflated hippo scrotum in your window

If a pumpkin says, “stop by here for treats”, an inflated hippo scrotum can only mean, “run for your lives, you little horrors, or I’ll do the same to your goddamn heads!”

If it helps, the pig thing worked for me last year.

Happy Bug-a-Ghoul Nite...


fairyhedgehog said...

I'll save up those splendid ideas for when the chocolate bars run out.

We tend to put up signs saying things like: Halloween treats here, bring your Mum and Dad too. Then we get all the neighbours' children ringing at the door to show off their scary costumes and get chocolate from us. This year, a lot of kids where I work know where I live so we could easily have 60+ kids turn up.

As soon as we run out of treats, I'm putting on the 1970s top of the pops. I'm completely out of hippo scrotums.

Whirlochre said...

Shame about the scrotums — with 60+ kids showing up you might need some kind of net...

Old Kitty said...

Nothing beats turning off all lights in the house and sitting in the corner in the pitch black wrapped in a blanket or duvet or snuggie while lip-dibbling hoping the ringing doorbell will stop!


Take care

fairyhedgehog said...

Kitty - that sounds like such fun! I'll have to try it one year.