Tuesday, October 30, 2012
Hallowe’en is traditionally a great time for witches and spectres — a chance to let down hair and ectoplasm for a night-long festival of ghoulishness.
For the rest of us it’s a bloody irritation as gangs of spotty kids come a-knocking and a-tricking and a-treating while we’re trying to enjoy our supper or catch up on missed TV shows or generally persist in a kid-free zone.
It may be different in some parts of the world, but here in the UK you simply can’t get away with opening fire on the buggers with any kind of submachinegun, and pouring boiling oil from an upstairs window is a costly DIY disaster waiting to happen.
So what can you do? To keep the howling, woooo-ing little brats from your door?
Here are some suggestions.
Hire Arnold Scwarzenegger
He’s expensive, but indisputably reliable. Stick Arnie in your porch with a huge two-handed sword or cyborg zapper and any unwanted ghoulies will be too busy shitting their own pants to scare you into shitting yours. If he’s armed with any speeches from his California governor days, then so much the better.
Play a 70s Top Of The Pops LP at full blast
Guaranteed to turn anyone’s hair white with fear.
Pig-sit for a local farmer
Fill your driveway with stinking swine pumped full of max strength laxatives — then watch as every skeleton and would-be Frankenstein’s monster is smothered in high velocity bum juice.
Dig a fifty foot pit and cover it with astroturf
Ha! If you’re feeling fancy, you can tip the spikes at the base of the pit with toasted marshmallows.
Display an inflated hippo scrotum in your window
If a pumpkin says, “stop by here for treats”, an inflated hippo scrotum can only mean, “run for your lives, you little horrors, or I’ll do the same to your goddamn heads!”
If it helps, the pig thing worked for me last year.
Happy Bug-a-Ghoul Nite...