Monday, July 9, 2012

Domesticalistic Housekeeping Alert


Regular visitors to this blog will be aware of its highways and byways, its inroads and outroads, its nooks and crannies and fluffy-yet-dangerous underside.

I know that for some of you, it has become like a well-trained pet, leaping post by post through the hoops of your clickety-mousety fingertips like a seal with a ball on its nose a-flip on a floating mattress of dolphins.

But now, all is about to change.

Over the next few weeks you will see a number of improvements to the architecture of the site.  Workmen may be afoot with their butt cracks, so beware.  In the main, these changes have been prompted by reports of spamming from the comments trail, along with naked bathing in the Icon Signifying Nothing area.  If, over the next few weeks, you receive any spam or encounter the bodies of virgin octogenarian nymphs paddling close to the foot of the blog, do please alert me via the email address on my contact page.

Meanwhile, the changes to look out for are as follows:

Dial-a-Grunt

The current telephone call-back system will no longer be streamed live.  Instead, callers will receive their miscellaneous animal grunt as an mp3 file by email at the reduced rate of 29p per minute.

The Fish List

Sadly, the much-used fish list will now disappear from the site.  For many years I have been engaged in a legal battle with the UK Fisheries & Performing Plankton Council over ownership of sections P to S of the list.  A court ruling in their favour regarding pollock now means that unless I am prepared to pay a £65,000 “fish handle” ownership licence fee, I am no longer entitled to maintain a database of facts about this particular aquatic phenomenon.  After careful consideration, I have concluded that any fish list devoid of essential species such as the pollock is no fish list of mine and as a consequence I will no longer have anything to do with it, thank you very much.

The And Widget

The popular And Widget will now move to a more prominent place on the blog — possibly the end of my nose on my profile photo.  Over the years, those of you interested in counting the number of ANDs on the site have clicked on this widget an astonishing 112,645 times, making it the internet’s 1,428,286th most clicked-on widget!  In addition, this widget will now feature a sponsored link.  For every click you make, 0.05p will find its way into the coffers of &Aid, the  international charity organisation for sufferers of conjunctivitis.

Whack-A-Penis

A number of small changes to this sidebar game are listed below:

1) Stars will now be awarded every six penises to help players who grew up prior to the decimalisation of the pound formulate a more reliable assessment of their capabilities.
2) The “Augh!” and “Wauuugh!” sound effects will be combined into a single “Aughwuuugh!” and accompanied by an ‘evil gnome’ style titter.
3) The boss penis is no longer immune to the Triple Whammy Smash Attack.
4) Whacking three penises in a single row or column no longer springs The Vengeful Policeman & his Brigade of Easily Excitable Constables.
5) New skins for the game will be available at 1,000,000 and 1,250,000 points, including Cool Azure, Batman, and Scrotal Ripple.

The Concubine Zealot’s Astrocast

The typo on the Yang button of this popular oracle has now been rectified (though Scorpios born between 1967 and 1971 may still experience momentary lag on the heavenly alignment visuals).

Pant Check Alert

The flashing strobe effect will be replaced by a warning pop-up, granting you an extra 15 seconds to ensure you’re wearing underwear suitable for viewing the blog before the gateway to Pant Crime Zapper Nirvana opens and you are strafed by thong-friendly alien SWAT teams intent on ridding the universe of substandard gussetry.

If any of this sounds unfamiliar, that’ll teach you for checking in with Google reader and missing all the fun...


4 comments:

Old Kitty said...

I'm always prepared to whack a penis.
:-)
Take care
x

Whirlochre said...

Nothing says "be prepared" more than a girl with a portable mallet collection.

fairyhedgehog said...

I'm sorry, Whirl, but I'm wiping the tears away at the loss of the Fish List. How could anyone be so cruel as to deprive you of your pollock?

Whirlochre said...

I know, I know. But I'm fine with it. Really, I am.