Friday, March 2, 2012

Megabytes Per Second Vs Miles Per Hour


Thanks to my fantastic new internet service I have more tangled cables trailing about the place than could be deployed as lasso replacements by a hundred-strong posse of rodeo champions robbed of all their ropely possessions.

Or maybe I could catch a stray asteroid.

The point is that none of the boxes and wind-up monkeys sits where they really need to go and the only way I’ve been able to connect is via an improvised wiring arrangement worthy of a Mission Impossible film.  Tom Cruise may even be trapped somewhere near the master socket, I don’t know — it’s difficult to tell on account of the 6m diameter ball of wires blocking out all light from the window.

Everyday activities like going to the loo or walking from the settee to the bookcase or engaging in a moment’s aerobic Whirlio dancing can now take several hours and I’ve used more balls of wool to find my way to and from furniture milestones than Theseus deployed to extricate himself from the Labyrinth.  When the telephone rings I have to hope the caller’s children will get back to me some day, and heaven forbid if anyone sets fire to their own faces eating a spicy sausage.

I’m currently experimenting with a range of mobility-friendly initiatives, including grunting my way through a set of circus contortionists’ exercises downloaded from twistedtesticles.com and splashing more olive oil about my naked person than Henry Cooper managed after a lifetime drenched in Brut and sweat.

Looking and feeling like a stymied twat has never been easier...

7 comments:

fairyhedgehog said...

I don't care if you've got Tom Cruise lost in there, but if you've got Patrick Stewart, then let him out now!

Susan Gourley/Kelley said...

I have a similar situation lurking behind my writing desk. I never, ever look there. If something drops behind there, it's there for eternity.

Whirlochre said...

Hog d'Enterprise
At the moment his bald head is functioning as a beacon, lighting the way from the scullery to the TV.

Susan
Sounds like you have inaccessible places inhabited by gnomes.

fairyhedgehog said...

Comment verification is still on and still horrible. thedsb owneed I think it says this time.

Whirlochre said...

Bummer

mo.stoneskin said...

If you manage to catch a stray asteroid let me know. I've been trying to do that for years. I find all sorts of stray toys trapped in the inescapable prison of wires within, around and behind our 'entertainment cabinet', but never a stray asteroid. I check each night to make sure I haven't caught a stray child.

Whirlochre said...

Finding stray children is always the worst.

Or gerbils. Hate it when they get their little tails caught.