Monday, January 30, 2012

Your Stars For February 2012



Jacuzzi Spakkert is an internationally renowned clairvoyant and mystic.  He has written scores of bestselling self-help books including The Zodiac of Love, How The Stars Can Get You What You Want and The Coming Age Is Yours.  His latest book, DESTROY THEM DESTROY THEM ALL hits bookstores in May 2012.  Jacuzzi lives in a self-built temple in Virginia with his wife, Maureen, their two children, Izaak and DEATHTOTHEBASTARDCRAWLINGHORDES, and four thousand devoted followers/mercenaries.  The Spakkerts famously sponsor a neglected donkey called Tony.

“No-one self-affirms like Spakkert.”  New York Psychic Gazette 1997

“He’ll make you feel good about yourself, one hundred per cent.” 
Astrology Today 2002

“Fortune telling for doers and go-getters.” 
Stargazer Bi-Decadely 2005

“He shot my grandparents and owes me ten thousand bucks.” 
Ralph “Neptune” Triannis, former editor of the New York Psychic Gazette 2010



ARIES

Are you a man/woman or a mouse?  A fluffy, gambolling baby lamb of a loser mentality motherfucker — or a fast bowling, hard hitting, GET GET GET machine of ram-powered mouton action?  February stretches out before you, Aries, like a meadow of opportunity in which you can romp and butt and sound your barbaric baaaaaaaarrrhhhh across the rooftops of the world.  So GO KICK ASS!  KICK!  MAIM!  KILL!

TAURUS

Sick of people calling you a bore?  Who’s good for nothing but smelling their own farts and polishing off other people’s unwanted dinners?  It’s time to remember you have horns, and a history of dead gay Spaniard show-offs spurting blood at your feet.  SEE RED, SEE RED — and GO GO RED.  Toss all to left and right as you charge them down — then go splash out on a trillion take-out dinners.  BORE RIGHT THROUGH THEM TILL YOUR HORNS JUT OUTTA THEIR GODDAMN ASSHOLES.

GEMINI

It’s time to get even with the people who talk you down.  This month’s Venus-Uranus conjunction in Aries has no major implications for you whatsoever — but you can still say it does, over and over and over, in that chatty, gassy, gossippy way you’re so good at.  Pin ‘em to the wall, the useless fuckers.  Talk till their ears bleed.  VENUS!  URANUS!  VENUS!  URANUS!  Yeah — you SHOW THE BASTARDS.

CANCER

People think you’re a softie, a weed, a loser — but they forget those big ole pincers of yours.  Pincers perfect for popping out eyeballs and gripping on ball bags as you bark your demands, settle your scores and HELL JUST DO IT COS IT FEELS SOOOOOO GOOOOOOD.  You better watch out, you pansy crab dissing sons of bitches, cos I’m coming now I’m coming on big and strong for you all through February, through Valentine’s Day, through the whole goddamn shebang with a SNAP SNAP SNAP SNAP SNAP.  Say it!  Do it!  Be it!  SNAP ‘EM TILL IT HURTS LIKE CRAZY.

LEO

When it comes to showing everyone who’s boss, you have the lot.  Claws, teeth, ferocity, pride — and that whole Tarzan/jungle fear factor.  But sometimes you need more.  So why not go crazy in  February shopping for a kick ass TANK?  Something like a King Panzer from WWII — hell, that’s what Ebay is for.  Then get your ass in the fucker and blow a few people up, big time.  Trample all in your path.  Were those New Year Resolutions all for nothing, Leo?  Were they?  Were they?

VIRGO

It’s time to stop being L’il Miss Prissy Knickers.  Especially if you’re a guy.  Ramp up the Vamp and lure all your worst enemies into your lair of sex and debauchery.  They’re way stupider than you, and with Mars romping through your sign with its big ole dick out, you can chain ‘em up and leave ‘em to die in your dungeon of torture and terror.  THEY DESERVE IT!  THEY’RE SCUM!  Get provocative, pro-active — get PRO.  You’re a hooker, a lure, a hussy.  MURDER THEM WITH YOUR SEX.

LIBRA

Fuck all that peace-loving bookwormy shit.  Deep down, Libra, you’re a KILLER!  Hey, the speed you read at, you could digest the internet in SECONDS.  So visit those SWORD SITES, places you can buy GRENADES AND GUNS, then rob banks with your intellect and buy shit loads of all that stuff.  You gotta do it, Libra, cos they think you’re an airhead, a loser, tucked up all day in books but you gotta show ‘em and what better way then you DESTROY THEM WITH GUNS.

SCORPIO

You’re poison, and you know it — a seething sex-thrusted engine of venom just waiting to sting the hell outta the ants standing in your way.  ANTS!  That’s what they are.  All of ‘em.  So you wade into that ole insect swarm and STING STING STING till you get to the Queen.  Then sting her so bad she ain’t never gonna walk again, never gonna lay eggs again, never gonna ant on down and bring on down the whole of mankind again.  Sting her in the head, over and over and over.  That’s what February holds in the starts for you, Scorpio.  DON’T DISAPPOINT ME.

SAGITTARIUS

You’re armed to the teeth I can see them poking outta your big ole horse body those arrows, those zillion spears and crossbow bolts. That bow of yours is a Barnett Predator18035, primed to fire high velocity bolts through the throats of all who stand in your way so you pick your target and you FIRE FIRE FIRE youre a firs sign so you fire those bolts in their faces then you storm like a horse into the future with the wisdom of a hosre because youre bifg and they’re small all of them all of them like ANTS you stomp your hooves you think of JUPITER YOUR RULER BIG AND BELIEVING AND PROUD the fuckers.

CAPRICORN

They’re all ants and you must destroy them.  In February, Saturn is your ruler just asd he always is, a vast uncompromising squeezer of the inconasequential, magnitude roaring from his ringed glory so you square up to those miserable goddamn ants and you say HEY I@M CAPRICORN and I fuck on your insecty bullshit from on high.  They cant get you they’re only SMALL and their numbers are ntohting compared to your POWER the POWER of AGES IMMORTAL.  You say to them I@M NOT FUCKING TAKING ANY MORE OF THIS CRAP YOU MOTHERFUCKERS and then you destroy them one by one and you don’t care besasue Capricorn your sign is blessed with the gift of long life like a goat and you just take your big ole time and FUCK THEM FUCK THEM FUCK THEM one by one legs antennae heads eggs KILL THEM NOW WHILE YOU HAVE THE CHANCE.

AQUARIUS

theyre gonna get you crawl all opver you and lay their eggs in your brain your children’s brains and hatch more infinite creatures all over your sorry ass if you don’t act now this February to stop the bastards and their relen tless pursuit of world dominance so you gotta get out there Aries and but the fuck outta their minuscule swarm with that ole water pot of yours, drowen them Aquartiuswith your boiling oil yeah go get a load of bouling oil like they did in the medieval cast;les and pour the fucking lot over their miserable heads as they try to take yopur kingdom the kingdom that is YOURS AND YOU HAVE THIS RIGHT THIS POWER aquarius to drown them it will boil till their wretched chitinous shioelds of bodies sizzle in the heat of your wrath NOW NOW NOW destroy the ants destroy them

PISCES

and pisces yes pisces youre a romantic but the time for romance is dead now because hate is in the world and you gotta think new stuff gotta toughen up some or they’ll make you one of them they’ll turn your mind into an ant and all you’ll do is crawl and burrow and go nameless and never have anything to xcall your own so bite scratch punch kich ANYTHING ANYTHING ANYTHING becasue in February the stars are lining up for your rewal good Mars Jupiter Neptune all the big ones saying PISCES YOU GOTTA TURN THIS AROUND GOTTA SAVE YOUR LIFE GOTTA SAVE MANKIND FRONM THE ANTS THE GODDAMN ANTS OR THE PLANET WILL BE INFESTEDC AND OUR HISTORY YOUR HISTORY THE HISTORY OF YOUR CHILDREN WILL COUNT FOR NOTHING SO HOLE UP RAID A STORE FOR FOOD KEEP IN TOUCH THERE WILL BE MESSAGES I WILL GUIDE YOU LISTEN OUIT STAY WITH IT KILL THEM DON’T LET THEM CRAWL ON YOU THATS THE START OF IT THE BURROW IN YOUR SKIN PORES AND YOUR EARS AND YOUR EYES AND THEY EAT YOU FROM THE INSIDE YOU GET A WETSUIT AND LAY ANT STUFF ALL AROUND BUT DON’T CONTAMINATE FOOD FOOD WILL COME SOON I PROMISE JUST KEEP KILLING THEM KILLINHNG THEM TILL I COME TO GET YOU

8 comments:

stacy said...

Hah! I love these! Mine is Leo, and I'm off to see if I can't find a tank on Ebay. Can you do more of these?

Old Kitty said...

Yes but where are my lucky numbers for the lottery???

Take care
x

Whirlochre said...

Stacy
It's only by chance that I managed to link up with Mr Spakkert and arrange this guest post. As I understand it, he's now "gone underground". If I can get him back again, I will do — if only to air some of the poems he wrote about Tony.

Old Kitty
I can send you all the winning numbers for last year if that helps.

fairyhedgehog said...

So perceptive; such good advice.

Truly, Jacuzzi Spakkert is a man to be reckoned with.

jjdebenedictis said...

Never mind Luche Libre -- I am Loco Libra! *assumes a wresting pose*

Whirlochre said...

Hog of Knits
Also, I hear his wife is something of a looker...

JJ
Virtual grappling can be arranged. I vote you take on Stacy in a Leo vs Libra death match.

stacy said...

Bring it on, JJ.

Whirlochre said...

You will be given your opportunity, girls...