Wednesday, November 16, 2011

Elephantitic Dork-out Week


If it’s possible to have elephantitis of the brain, this week I seem to have contracted elephantitis of the part of the brain responsible for making the brain as a whole function properly, the sorry effect being that most of the grey matter I normally rely on for getting from dawn till dusk successfully has been squeezed out of my ears by a bulbous lump of even greyer matter complete with floppy-abouty trunk-like appendage.

Watch as I stumble like a half-wit to erase the contents of a backup hard drive only to accidentally wipe from all existence the contents of my Main Data Drive!

And is that a dinky 8GB flash memory stick I see before me — or merely the void where once it sat upon my desk until I mislaid the fucker?

Let’s celebrate with a curry so badly burned that the pan in which it was cooked is now capable of shielding me from radiation thanks to the blackened ex-korma carapace I figured was going to eat for tea until I dorked out like an uberdork handing out his dork essence from on high!

Or what about that query letter to an agent whose name I managed to transform into nothing even remotely like her actual name — and then mis-spelled my own?

Girly of Whirly’s favourite dinky top?  Now an unrecognisable shade of bleugh thanks to being tossed in the washing machine with a load of my socks!

And it’s only Wednesday.

My only consolation is that the trunk I mentioned came in really handy for cleaning the bath.  Given the finite number of walls in my bathroom (the standard cube-formed six) there are a surprising number of nooks and crannies practically unreachable without having been born a gibbon.  You can say what you like about the supremacy of Mr Muscle, but when it comes to getting stains and smears off difficult-to-reach surfaces there’s nothing to beat a prehensile proboscis the size of Nigerian Viagra salesman’s cock.

Hoping to be back later in the week with a post about 80s music.  If I don’t make it, you’ll just have to assume I’ve accidentally poisoned myself or dashed blindly in front of a firing squad...


7 comments:

fairyhedgehog said...

Oh dear. It can only get better. Surely?

Old Kitty said...

My pc is on the blink too. I'm using a pre-dinosaur age laptop that fell off the back of someone's lorry.

D'you think all this terrible techie twitches are happening cos of the full moon just gone? I think so!

Take care
x

Whirlochre said...

Hog-o-Rama
That's what they said to Johnny Rotten — only it was a typo.

Old Kitty
It was a full moon in Taurus so I don't think so.

jjdebenedictis said...

Which is worse, laughing uproariously at work and then having to explain that you were reading the phrase, "Nigerian Viagra salesman's cock"--or making that embarrassing snorting noise one does when trying to suppress uproarious laughter, in the hope of not needing to explain that you were reading the phrase, "Nigerian Viagra salesman's cock"?

In other news, that was a very long sentence.

Whirlochre said...

JJ
I'd settle for being as far away from a genuine NVSC as possible.

stacy said...

It sounds like maybe you're in burnout. Maybe get some rest?

Whirlochre said...

Stacy
Oddly enough, I was just on the verge of tweeting about my desire to dissolve in the bath. You've just saved me from embarrassing myself.