Thursday, May 26, 2011

A Teenager's Muffins

“They’re not too horrible...”

The moment I passed judgement on the chocolate muffins Son of Whirl had made in cookery at school, I remembered why I never became a high ranking diplomat.

To be fair, the texture was pretty much perfect — a blend of sponginess and fluffiness not witnessed since Dawn French experimented with a perm — and you couldn’t have asked for a more equal distribution of chocolaty lumps. But there was something missing in the overall flavour, some soupcon of taste, some zing, some ‘special certain something’.

After several minutes’ hard thinking, in which I tried to match my fake smile of encouragement to my son’s froglike droop of near-suicidal disappointment in the hope of forming between us a perfect circle of father/son bliss, we hit on salt and vanilla essence before moving on to the bald conclusion that the missing ingredient was, in fact, flavour*.

* Apart, of course, from the chocolaty lumps — which tasted of sh*te.

I’ve never before tasted anything that tasted of nothing, but my son’s dozen muffins did, and I have to tell you it’s a sensation on a par with trying to kiss a ghost. There’s something there, but there isn’t — a thong of remote possibility lost up the bumcrack of incontrovertible reality.

It’s sausage pizza next week and even if it turns out like some Heston Blumethal Dead Boxer’s Penis Flan (left for a month to go mouldy then used as a nest-cum-toilet by a family of virus-ravaged rats), I’ve resigned myself to praising its glories.

This is not out of pity, you understand. My son is so tough he can put on his Simpsons pyjamas all by himself and withstand the agony of brushing his own teeth for an impressive one day a fortnight.

It’s guilt, pure guilt.

Plus, I have no desire to waste another hour of my life on the Xbox playing a consoling game of Blow Up Undead Hitler Fanatics With Weapons That Never Existed In The 1940s Let Alone Now.


McKoala said...

Sausage pizza?


Old Kitty said...

I hope you did the decent thing and ate all dozen muffins with equal aplomb!

Think of the children! take care

jjdebenedictis said...

A friend once bought a cake from a store that had no flavour, so I know what you mean. It was bizarre; there was thick icing, there was fluffy cake, there was gooey filling--but it tasted of nothing, nothing at all.

Whirlochre said...

Or will it be "the runs"?

Old Kitty
Gradually, slowly, bit by bit they are being consumed — like the way they got rid of the soil for the tunnel in the Great Escape.

It's the weirdest thing. "Android Food".

Miss Scarlet said...

You could have blamed your sinus problem?

Whirlochre said...

Miss Scarlet
Are you implying I have a big nose?

fairyhedgehog said...

Next week you may be wishing that the pizza had no flavour!

Whirlochre said...

Fairy Cake Hedgehog
Unless the sausages in question are chorizo.