Wednesday, April 13, 2011

When Mobility Becomes An Abomination

I hate how Mobile Dog Grooming has found its way into Yellow Pages.

In the olden days, of course, Yellow Pages was strictly for professions such as plumbers and washing machine repair people and circus strongmen who could rip a telephone directory in two and help you out with any villains who needed roughing up.

As for dogs, I can’t recall them doing anything in my youth other than bounding down the street shitting everywhere, attacking small children and transforming clothing and upholstery into unconvincing simulacra of their miserable moulting selves.

Such a shame God begat the French.

And somewhere inbetween begatting baguettes and a pathological hatred of American cultural imperialism, the French begat all manner of accessory canine ponciness, up to and including dog clothing, dog haircuts, dog manicures and dog bloody dog dog dog.

All of which means that every Wednesday morning the “Groomobile” pulls up in front of the house opposite with its weird Mr Whippy style barking chime and awaits the shabby blob of cack-encrusted fur loved by my neighbours but far from loved by YT.

Said creature then lumbers merrily inside like a brainwashed toddler visiting Santa’s grotto — only with less of the brain and considerably more of the grot. Shame there isn’t a Groogroomobile.

Presumably, there’s a glut of sophisticated pooch pampering machinery tucked away behind the driver’s seat: whirling scrubbers and buffers, scented shampoo sprayers, flea sensitive tweezers on springs, poo pluckers, nail polishers, chocolate bone dispensers, dog-shaped vibrating massage baskets, hair trimmers, whisker shiners and everything a cherished family pet could ever wish for.

Or maybe there’s just a convicted paedophile with a jar of Vaseline and a toilet brush.

Point is, where the hell did all this come from? Isn’t it enough that there are two dog grooming parlours within walking distance? And rain practically every day from June to bloody June? Poodle parlours are a stupid enough idea in their own right without putting wheels on them and driving them in the direction of my street. And what kind of poodle parlour boasts that it’s “also for cats?” I wouldn’t be surprised if my neighbour has her hair done while she’s waiting for the dog to be de-wormed.

“Now offering Hopi Ear Candle’s!!!”*

* No beagles.

I’m almost tempted to fabricate the dog equivalent of Sock Monkey and book an appointment with the Groomobile just so I can have it out with whoever presumes to hawk it about town as “the convenient way to groom your pet”.



Simon Kewin said...

Harmless distraction for people with more money than sense or a symptom of a culture on its knees. Discuss.

Whirlochre said...

I love the way you've made this discussion sound like it isn't an option.

McKoala said...

Takes me right back to schooldays...

Um, as a person with two dogs who don't shed, but turn into hairy bushes on legs, I do use such people...

Wordver: cookups!

jjdebenedictis said...

You write the best rants! I'm giggling like a loon.

On a related note, there's a designer dog shop just down the street from me. They make exquisitely expensive dog clothing, such as camouflage-patterned paratrouper outfits for daschunds and sleek pink pullovers with fur-trimmed hoodies for pomeranians.

At least they haven't yet gone mobile.

Mother (Re)produces. said...

Don't get your pants in a wad; ask them if they do teenagers. Unwashed teenagers smell almost as bad as unwashed pooches. Might be worth looking into?

Also, I think those pesky Americans may be responsible for the dorky doggie suits.

Old Kitty said...

...just cos you can't find a Mobile Man Grooming Unit for Gentlemen of a Certain Age...!!

:-) Take care

Phoenix said...

Because I have no sense of humor when it comes to certain quite sensitive topics, like mobile dog groomers, may I just point out that there are many dogs -- and cats -- that go bonkers when they're taken to a grooming shop and must be tranq'd before they can get a haircut. While I'm certainly all for tranq'ing young children at the barbershop, dogs and cats need more tenderized care. So think of the mobile groomer as a mobile trauma unit, a place to placate pooches into adopting proper practices for more peaceful personalities.

Whirlochre said...

What kind of school did you go to?


At least they haven't yet gone mobile.
Nope — just crazy.

Son of Whirl has certainly begun to exude something exotic...

Old Kitty
As a pre-op transvestite, I'll take that as a well-intentioned insult.

The Groomobile charges 50p per pet for local kids to fire 3 tranq darts in its "Jungel Hunt".