Friday, April 1, 2011

Me Is Has Was 3

Much has been written recently about the decline of blogging in the age of social media — sadly on blogs which people are too busy Twitting and Twatting to read.

But here at Abysswinksback, the spirit of blogging rolls boldly on, like Mick Jagger’s flesh scrunched into a ball and tossed down a hill like a testicle.

To celebrate my third bloggiversary I’ve chosen to refrain from offering up the remains of a butchered quadruped to a dubious masked deity — mainly because my local supermarket now demands such a commitment in order to secure its “bonus points” and I’m fresh out of mongrels.

Instead, I’m hosting a quiz, clad in a glittery suit of purest Bonanza.

The rules are exquisitely simple.

Take a look at the following eight questions and aim to get AS MANY ANSWERS WRONG AS POSSIBLE. To help you, most of the questions have multiple wrong answers and some have no right answers whatsoever. Sock Monkey has compiled a hit list from the wrongest of the wrong and whoever checks in to the comments trail with the closest match of correct wrong answers WINS GRAVY.

Whoever you are, wherever you are in the world — yes, that’s right, YOU COULD WIN GRAVY.

You have until 11.59pm GMT on Monday 4th April to check in, and though you may enter as many times as you wish, only your first clutch of answers will count.

In the event of a tie, names will be drawn from a hat, and in the event of a hat, I’m leaving the building. In the event of this not constituting any kind of event in your estimation, chip in to the comments trail anyway — it’s been a long time since we hit a hundred round here which all sounds too much like the current plight of Jocky Wilson to bear thinking about.

Best of luck to one and all and thanks for stopping by.

No biting, kicking, punching, elbowing, de-spleening or one-on-one disembowelling permitted. Remember: this is good clean fun for people with good clean underwear...


Reptiles are referred to as ‘cold-blooded creatures’ — but why?

a) They are ‘creatures’ and not ‘wardrobes’.
b) While dogs and cats and horses are frequently seen sporting coats, cloaks and other apparel, no-one ever bothers to knit or crochet anything for reptiles.
c) In 854 B.C., a cabal of disenchanted Abyssinian hamsters circulated a rumour about reptiles being “colde, aloof and of leatheryness moste eville” which stuck.
d) Without the label ‘cold-blooded creatures’, 95% of all reptiles would end up in the washing machine on too hot a spin.


Examine, if you have the stomach for it, the photo below.

To which precise spot (or spots) are my Whirly eyeballs immediately drawn?

a) Robin’s wristwatch, far left* — because I always want to know the time.
b) The trio of manly bulges (via a series of ballistic saccades) — because I always try to slip the phrase ‘ballistic saccades’ into every sentence I can (unless I’m asking a policeman for directions to the nearest menswear emporium).
c) The fossilised fish skeleton grafted to Maurice’s stomach, far right — because I’m toying with the idea of having a Pteranodon’s collarbone done on my right leg.
d) Eyes, teeth, assembled bouffantery — in precisely that order — because I’m a human being hardwired to respond to facial features (and bears).

* How I pander to those unable to distinguish Bee Gee from Bee Gee!


In Greek Mythology, where the hell was the cloakroom?

a) Two doors down from Pluto’s spa pool.
b) Halfway up Mount Olympus atop a human pyramid of demihumans.
c) Honolulu — which is why so many Greek heroes were forced to romp around looking spectacularly overdressed.
d) TRICK QUESTION! In Zeus’ original vision, robes were intended to be hung on the Hydra’s multiple heads, but when said novelty coat hook was slain (along with the replacement minotaur thanks to a cunning plot which also saw Priapus sadly sidelined), the phrase just sling it on the settee, love was born — though at the time, of course, the settees in question weren’t from IKEA. And Zeus wasn’t hitched up in an everlasting travail of immortalness with “the missus”.


Why could I never, ever eat a raw oyster?

a) Oysters are like the Borg: swallow one and you have to take on all of them.
b) I’m a tidiness obsessive and the flibbly bits round the edges of their bobbliness make me feel uncomfortable.
c) I’m a vegan — plus, I can’t swim.
d) When I was two years old my Grandad shoved a slug down my throat trying to explain what it felt like to choke on your own tongue during the Battle of the Bulge.


Monkeys descend on your neighbourhood — so “en masse” that the hapless ones close to the ground are crushed to a Proboscis ‘n’ Baboon pulp by the triumphant Bonobos cruisin’ the surf overhead.

You can’t run, you can’t swim, you can’t fly, you can’t teleport — and with no Cliff Richard on hand to inspire you with medlies of his greatest ever hits, what should you dooooooooo?

a) Carry on ironing your underwear (this option is only available to people who habitually press their own skimpies while harbouring delusions of saving the world).
b) Stand behind a sign marked, “Turn Left Here, Crazed Monkeys — For Peanuts, Bananas And Lifelong Excess Simian Romance”, praying their gullibility matches their skill at negotiating a ninety degree turn at speed.
c) Flip open the trapdoor of your 1-Use Nuclear Holocaust Bunker, muttering, “such a waste, such a waste, such a waste...”
d) Take a deep breath, inflate your rubber ring, take another deep breath, inflate your rubber ring again, take yet another deep breath and puff, puff, puff, puff, puff, puff — till a torrent of liquiefied monkeys blots you from all existence thanks to a terrible decision, taken scant weeks ago, to shop for budget beach accessories at Aldi rather than Lidl.


You purchase a mongoose rupturing kit from Tesco — not to finish off your favourite family pet in a fit of supermarket-endorsed cruelty, but simply to burst an unsightly zit on its nostril.

How should you restrain the mongoose while you apply the spike to its angry pustule?

a) Back legs gripped tight between your teeth, like a sheep shearer.
b) Back legs gripped tight between your teeth, like Alan Shearer in a tryst with Victoria Beckham and a B&Q sink unit.
c) Wrap it in foam so you can secure it without squeezing it to death.
d) Don't even try it — dial Freefone Mongoose Restrainers Anonymous right away on 0800 277255.


Which of the following is not a line from my latest project, “Broken Vacuum Cleaner & MacKillop, Investigators of the Downright Weird”?

a) MacKillop made to throw out a stiletto — a feat he might have pulled off as a sporty twentysomething male or jiu jitsu cyborg — but with cellulite slung from his frame in concentric rings dozens deep, he was no match for the forces of anatomical impossibility and he tumbled into a cabinet of frozen puddings.
b) From where MacKillop was standing, it looked like a straight mortal combat scenario: twin leech-possessed humanoid civilians vs morphed pan-weirdishness investigator brandishing three hundred solid grams of tinned fruit cudgel clout.
c) The alien hordes wriggled in seamless unison, despite being split wide open from the rapidfire burst of MacKillop’s enchanted shallots, swung now in increasingly frenzied circles above what remained of his head.
d) Broken Vacuum Cleaner peered over his shoulder, his flex now dangled into the loop of a wry smile. “By Hess’s rotating brush, I think you’re right! We may just have thwarted the spearhead reconnaissance vanguard of some evil intergalactic invasion force.”


Why do gnats never fly into each other as they buzz around in their clouds?

a) They use a form of sonar, like bats — only much, much, much, much smaller.
b) A network of synchronised “mutable polarity” magnets strapped to their abdomens sustains them in a permanent state of attraction-repulsion-attraction-repulsion, complementing the zuzz of their wings with a gentle hum.
c) Gnats are easily shamed by YouTube Bloopers.
d) Actually, they fly into each other all the time but they’re so tiny and insignificant we don’t notice.

So there you have it. Another year, another trussing of brain cells to the yoke of a hog-tied ass. Apologies to anyone stopping by looking for kilts or messiah-shaped birth marks — but stick around through April and beyond as delights are revealed like go-go dancers flung from balloons. Or something like that.


fairyhedgehog said...

Happy Bloggiversary, Whirl! I'm glad the mayhem is still going strong.

Here are my final answers.

1b is clearly wrong. If you can have tortoises with crochet jumpers I'm sure you can get them for lizards too.

2c is the wrongest because we all know that your next tattoo is going to be a tasteful portrait of Sock Monkey.

3 is a trick question. All your answers are right, so I'm going for e: in the lobby of the Adelphi Theatre.

4 Well, it can't be 'a' which is clearly the right answer so i'll go for 'd'.

5a has to be the wrongest because I have never ironed underwear. Or socks. Or most things come to think of it.

6b It was IKEA not B&Q.

7d. You missed out the word 'fiendishly'.

8b. The units have been invented but they're too expensive for mass production.

I wonder how I'm doing...

Have a great bloggiversary day!

Robin B. said...

Happy blogives, Whirlio!!! Love ya, man!

I'm in Mumbvles right now, not on my laptop much - but will do my damnedest to come through the day!!


Robin B. said...

Uh, so to speak on that coming thing....

Sylvia said...

1. b) although I bet FHH will now that you have pointed the issue out.
2. c) I had never noticed this until you pointed it out and now I shall have nightmares forever.
3. d) because anything from IKEA is wrong, especially if IKEA didn't exist yet.
4. c) is the most untrue statement I've seen because you probably would eat a raw oyster if it came with gravy
5. a) does anyone actually iron underwear?
6. b) yet another image I did not need in my brain
7. TRICK QUESTION they are all in the manuscript or will be by the end of the day
8. b) This makes sense to me and as it is a question of science that means it's obviously completely wrong.

Whirlochre said...

thinks — Crikey! They've actually taken the bait! Looks like I'll have to send Sock Monkey out for gravy!

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Simon Kewin said...

Happy Bloggiversary! Here are my answers. I'm a vegetarian, though, so in the event of a win, meat gravy is going to be of no use to me. Just saying.

1. C. Or possibly because they're all ruthless killers, each and every one of them.

2. Bouffantery, obviously.

3. Um, Hell? No, wait, that would be Hades then wouldn't it? Probably just next to the vestibule.

4. Because there is no such thing. All Oysters are naturally cooked in the wild.

5. I'd just try to rhesusitate the crushed ones.

6. C again. Are all the answers C?

7. None of them are not.

8. D, gnaturally.

Old Kitty said...

1) c
2) b
3) b
4) a
5) a
6) d
7) d
8) c

Do runners up get brown sauce?
Take care

Carrie said...

Happy blogiversary! I'd say more, but I'm still distracted by the Bee Gee's belly buttons.

moonrat said...

1) g
2) g
3) g
4) g
5) g
6) g
7) g
8) g

there. now, even if i accidentally got them all right, at least you have 8 Gs.

Evil Editor said...

1. The hamster one is wrong for more reasons than I can count, not least of which is that hamsters didn't even exist in 854 B.C. having been invented in the early 20th century by the newly created pet store industry which needed something small enough to fit into those little cages with the wheels. Also, you spelled "Abyssinian" wrong, though you're so anal you'll probably change it the minute you read this to make it look like I'm an idiot.

2. This would have made a good caption contest. My entry: Hi, we're here to pump out your septic tank. By the way, it takes guts to admit that you know the names of the two lesser BeeGees, and which one is which, assuming you got them right. My second caption entry: Don't you hate it when you show up at church and find two other guys wearing the same outfit?

3. The Zeus one is wrong. The Hydra/Priapus/minotaur/settee IKEA part is correct, true, but . . . it's not a trick question!

4. The Borg one is wrong. It should say Oysters are like the Borg: assimilate one and you have to assimilate all of them. But even if it said that it would be wrong because it should say Oysters are like the Borg: resistance is futile.

5. If you were this funny on MY blog, you would have gotten even more stuff in Evil Editor Teaches School, but since Robin's already pissed that you got way more than she did, that wouldn't necessarily be a good thing.

6. The Freefone Mongoose Restrainers Anonymous one is wrong, which I know because I dialed the phone number and got Mistress Barbarella Domina (probably not her real name), who kept me on the line to the tune of $1247.

7. As one of the editors to whom you submitted this, I have an unfair advantage, or I WOULD have, if I had bothered to read past the first paragraph.

8. To us they are flying around in their clouds. But to someone the size of a gnat, they're flying around in an area the size of the Milky Way Galaxy. So the chances of hitting each other are negligible, although I now recall reading that in the early days of automobiles the only two cars in some town crashed into each other, so never mind.

jjdebenedictis said...

1) e
2) bg
3) ж
5) a, because ironed underwear is not optional. (Too easy, dude.)
6) 6
7) ڭ
8) e^iπ + 1 = 0

Happy bloggiversary! *huffs party squeaker*

Whirlochre said...

Honestly — leave your desk for a couple of hours and look what happens!

Missing all the fun — on my own blog!

The great thing about this competition is that the prize will be tailored to suit the winner. I'm that kind of guy...

Old Kitty
In its way, brown sauce is a runner up. Certainly runnier than it used to be.

When asked how she stays looking so young, Lulu says much the same thing so I'm told.

Oh, how I miss the regularity of your blog! Great of you to visit — with what is looking like a winning strategy, I have to say.
* Like a G6, like a G6, na-na-na-na-na... *

Always happy to be anal on your behalf.
Thanks for stopping by with your generous comments — even though they make me sound like an uncommon swine.

Not familiar with the term *huffs party squeaker* — please explain.

AA said...

Happy Blogday!

Here are my answers:

1. The answer is 42.

2. e: Robin's locket, in which there is a picture of you, a reminder of your brief and bitter affair.

3.The same place where the bathrooms are located on the Starship Enterprise.

4. e: You once broke your tooth on a pearl, and your dentist was Tim Conway.

5. Trick question. Cliff Richard is always on hand.

6. a: Except you forgot to mention that, in a pinch, the Ferret Rupturing Kit will do almost as well, and is a lot cheaper.

7. They are all in it, except you changed "puddings" to"calamari" and added the word "execrable" to "alien hordes."

8. b: Gnats are never attracted to each other, only repulsed. They are as annoying to each other as they are to us. They don't even mate. They reproduce by spontaneous generation.

Remember: I like you best!

Whirlochre said...

Thanks for dropping in.

As for brief and bitter — yeah, the guy wore a lemon peel thong...

Peter Dudley said...

I am going to cheat off Old Kitty's paper.
1) c
2) b
3) b
4) a
5) a
6) d
7) d
8) c

Two reasons: First, I am so cowed by the cleverness of the other comments that anything I could possibly think of (here in the office between boring conference calls) would simply provide a brief respite from the actual laughter.

Second, I am very much hoping that Old Kitty has the right answers so we can have a drawing from a hat. I would be happy to provide the hat. Or, if you prefer, my son would be honored to provide a drawing of a hat.

Sarah Laurenson said...

Happy, Happy!

I dunno, so I'll guess C - to all of them.

Who knew Maurice had a bit of a gut? Or that he would boldy display it?

Just saw a video about a dog being rescued after 3 weeks at sea atop a tsunami ravaged house. Aw!

I want some gravy.

Oh and that Hedgehog's hint picture is amazing.

Xenith said...

All A, except when it's not.

Only 3 years? It seems so much longer...

Whirlochre said...

If you email me the drawing of the hat, I'll include it when I unveil the winner.

I love pop stars in their late 30s and early 40s. Sometimes they just don't know quite what do do with themselves.

Robin B. said...

Hope you had a great day!!!

Jinksy said...

1) b.
2) None of the above. Answer = The Belly Button.
3)Behind the Green Door.
4) a. Is Bjorn included in the Borg?
5)Go bananas.
6)Wrap it in Tesco cling film.
7) Who cares?
8) d.

I may be late and all behind like the cow's tail, but does it really matter?! LOL

JaneyV said...

Hi Whirl
Happy Bloggiversary! It's been so long since I cranked up blogger I had to jump through hoops and fight dragons just to get to your comments page. I'm thoroughly terrified now that I've pledged allegiance to the dark forces of mind control.

I'm also confused by the quiz because the answers are all clearly ... jam.

Hope that your fourth year of blogging continues to be as extraordinary and mind-bending as the last three. You are magnificent!

AA said...

"I love pop stars in their late
30s and early 40s. Sometimes they just don't know quite what to do with themselves."
This may be why my favorite movie is "This is Spinal Tap."
The cucumber scene cracks me up every time I see it.

fairyhedgehog said...

Have you seen EE's blog today? *jumps up and down with excitement*

Whirlochre said...

As it happened, I knocked my head on the attic door and now boast a bloodied bruise the size of a flyweight boxer's gonad — but otherwise, yes, not too bad, thanks.

I'm with Keats on this one — "even a cow's tail may lash like a whip, a tendril at the forefront of all sensation".

Or was it Auden?

There seem to be quite a few bugs on Blogger at the moment, including comment boxes which won't accommodate comments — plus that whole snail thing where you feel like your whole body is covered in a thousand creeping snails.

No, waitaminute — that's Auden, isn't it?

It was always the skipping dwarves and the bassist's moustache that had me.

Rodent of News, Magic and Wonder
Hmmm — whatever it was I signed, I just hope it wasn't in blood.

Dave Fragments said...

I really think that you should have offered the remains of a butchered quadruped to a dubious masked deity...

Multiple choice with a cold. Why don't people stay home with colds? Why do they pollute the rest of the world with germs and...
Oh no, I think I'm going to sneeze:


There, that took care of that.
Happy three years

Whirlochre said...

Glad to see your twinkly blue eyes poking through my portal. Your arrival ups the stakes in the no-holds-barred, no-leotards-too-spangly, battle to the death for gravy...

McKoala said...

Tsk, tsk, I knew there'd be some cleaning up to be done after this particular party. *survey's Dave's snot spread all over Whirl's blog* *snaps on rubber gloves*

fairyhedgehog said...

Not the rubber gloves!

At least they will cover up the claws. Won't they?

McKoala said...

My rubber gloves come *with* extra claws. Just in case.

Just watched EE's Whirlochre collection. Loved it! (And the last one, not by Whirl, remains one of the most appropriate ever!0

Whirlochre said...

Should have known it wouldn't be long before a certain marsupial showed up...

Robin B. said...

It's almost like the old days! I love that.

Whirlochre said...

Only I now have a beard and can't hold my wee, Auntie Billie...

McKoala said...

Waaaaaaaaaay too much information!

Whirlochre said...

For a moment there I thought I heard the sound of you plummeting from your eucalypt.

But, no...

Dishwasher Repair said...

I failed with this :(