Saturday, March 26, 2011

On Crotchless Tights And Creeping

I’ve just emerged from the shower following an encounter with a masked intruder.

Not strictly true, as it happens, but read on.

When I’m not sticking my fingers together with glue, one of the fun things I like to do is to get as much soap in my eye while I’m showering. In the same way that coke snorters blast their nostrils in order to up their daily excitement count, so it goes with me and soap. I could slip, I could hit my head, I could die. It transforms a perfectly pedestrian activity into a potentially life-threatening ‘thrillsville-style’ one. And costs nothing.

So this morning, I went with Move #32: The Forehead Shower Gel And Accidental Lean Backwards Uh-Oh.

Lather seeped between my squinting eyelids. I reached out for the sponge tray, clung on. Call me a wuss, but I even affected a girly shriek like the woman in Psycho before she was Psychoed.

That’s when I saw him — the masked intruder!

Okay, so it was only a trio of maroon towels hung up on the rail, but for the splittest of split seconds, they appeared to me as a hooded villain in mid-creep, hungry for my blood, my entrails — maybe even my weird banana soap.

It’s times like these when I count myself fortunate that I never took up Kung Fu. Knee jerk Jackie Chan high kicks are inadvisable when all that separates you from your would-be assailant is a shower screen of solid glass.

Anyhow, this all got me to thinking. Of scenarios featuring multiple masked intruders.

Like an intruder, about to put on his mask, who is interrupted by a second masked intruder.

Or three masked intruders stopping off at the Masked Intruder Outfitters to claim refunds on their ill-fitting masks.

Or a reformed masked intruder who cracks while shopping in Asda and climbs into a freezer cabinet with a potato sack over his head.

(That last one wasn’t a multiple masked intruder scenario, but you get the general idea.)

So, as we warm ourselves up for this Thursday’s forthcoming Bumper Abysswinksback Third Bloggiversary Celebration (to which you must link with the fervour of Dale Winton having his toenails done, btw), I’m throwing the comments trail open to multiple masked intruder speculation.

If you’re a spammer, so much the better.

And if you don’t want to talk about masked intruders, there’s always soap.


Old Kitty said...

This is why I buy towels with nice lovely Cathy Kidston type floral patterns.

Take care

Jinksy said...

Gives a whole new meaning to the concept of soap opera... LOL

fairyhedgehog said...

You do lead an exciting life. My main problem in the shower is remembering whether I shampooed my hair or not.

Evil Editor said...

You confront a masked intruder and demand at gunpoint that he remove his mask. He does, but beneath his mask is another mask, at which point you realize that he was actually an enormous masked raccoon.

Whirlochre said...

Old Kitty
Patterned has to be the way to go next time. We're thinking of a matching Bryn Terfel bath, hand and flannel set.

Aria not wrong there.

Wunderbeest of Spinyness
Beats getting in fully clothed I suppose.

So glad a genuine masked intruder turned up. I thought we were going to have to rely on Latvia Love Doll.

fairyhedgehog said...

I've been wondering where Latvia Love Doll went. She must have got bored and wandered off.

Charmaine Clancy said...

Incredibly brave - you were totally outnumbered by those towels.

Whirlochre said...

Hog of Delights
It's a sad sign of the times when your blog is shunned by Eastern European cyber-prostitutes.

Thanks for stopping by. I sometimes think that even if I had a twin, I'd be outnumbered.

Anonymous said...

My main problem is finding my hair in the first place!

It saves sooo much hassle when all your head needs is a wipe over with a soapy sponge, rinse, then squeegee until the drips fall off the end of your nose. :-)

Whirlochre said...

Tme to invent scented beard shampoo...

latvialovedoll1877 said...

i am so hot. u want I burn you with beutiful pastry? we dance to REM then mak hot hot sex. i have corgi romntic walks brunete student hot hot hot

fairyhedgehog said...

There you go. She must have heard us talking about her.

Scarlet Blue said...

What??? You deliberately put soap in your eye?
That must hurt.

Mother (Re)produces. said...

Don't most masked intruders grow out of it when their acne clears up?

Whirlochre said...

Just sat on this post and realised it was still live. Yowch.

writtenwyrdd said...

I was going to make a snarky comment about the Latvian Love Doll, but EE beat me to it.

It's hard to believe we've been blogging so long. You never run out of amusing doggerel, either, Whirl. Many happy blogging returns, I guess I should say, for your anniversary. And it turns out that April Fool's Day is perfect for the tone of your blogging.