Monday, January 24, 2011

On The Couch With Sock Monkey


WO: Happy New Year.

SM: What? It’s January the 24th — practically next Christmas.

WO: Okay, suit yourself. I was only being polite.

SM: If you had any inclination towards being polite, you wouldn’t have failed to show for your last appointment. On the 7th. Maybe you could have wished me Happy New Year then.

WO: Yes. Sorry. I was going to say something about that.

SM: So?

WO: My washing machine broke.

SM: And, what? In the absence of your trusty washing machine there were no buses?

WO: In the absence of my washing machine, there was water. Everywhere. Including the telephone socket.

SM: So — not a “Happy New Year”, then.

WO: If truth be told, no.

SM: So let me get this straight. You let me down on your first appointment of the year, then for the second, you swan in like nothing had happened and try to fob me off with a bogus greeting. What are you planning for next time? To urinate on my couch?

WO: Ah. About next time...

SM: Don’t tell me. Let me guess.

WO: Okay.

SM: What?

WO: You said “let me guess”. So, go on then, Mr Supposed To Know Everything About My Brain.

SM: I’ve told you before, it’s not just about brains. Human beings are more than the sum of their parts — even if one of those parts went missing at an early age.

WO: Don’t try to change the subject, you charlatan!

SM: Your car needs an MOT?

WO: No.

SM: Doctor’s appointment?

WO: No.

SM: Dentist?

WO: No.

SM: Hairdresser?

WO: Now you’re just taking wild guesses.

SM: Job interview?

WO: Nope.

SM: Gas man? Electric? Broadband?

WO: Nopey nope.

SM: Hospital appointment? Roof blew off? Washing machine broke again? Locusts? Earthquake? Aliens?

WO: Ha! Oh this is good, very good.

SM: Laugh if you must, but for your information, I’m using the technique known as “rational enquiry”, eliminating all the reasons it can’t be in order to reveal the truth.

WO: Very clever, but that’s not how it works with Guess Why I Can’t Come Next Time. Follows the same rules as a quiz show. “I have to go with your first answer” and all that.

SM: Very well, then. You can’t make it next time because you concluded over the Christmas break that I was a fraud and that every single penny you’ve ever paid me has been a waste of your precious money. You would have told me you’re quitting on the 7th, but you bottled it, and you were going to tell me the moment you walked in this morning, but you bottled it again, and now you’ve decided to cancel our next appointment care of some excuse far more spurious than a broken washing machine so you can text me between now and then with a coward’s exit and spare yourself the horror of telling me face to face.

WO: Hmmph. It’s no good saying it now.

SM: But I’m right, aren’t I?

WO: Yes. If you want. Fine.

SM: So?

WO: You’d better hit the RECLINE button on the couch while I look for my diary...

5 comments:

Mac The Monkey said...

We Sock Monkeys are very percipient.

Especially when it comes to knowing what cats are thinking but don't get me started on that.

By the way, how's Geoff? Rufus was asking after her. Damn cat.

poledancemonkey said...

You didn't seriously think you were going to get away with that did you?

A sensible simian can see right through you floor-walkers' charades.

Old Kitty said...

I for one think SM is and was worth every penny.

Progess is clean stripey socks.

Take care
x

Whirlochre said...

Mac
If I ever need an invasion of stuffed simian horrors, rest assured I'll need numerous other horrors (ie, my head ripping off).

poledancemonkey
Yes, but we have the anti-chimp bazookas.

Old Kitty
Talking of those socks — I fear they've gone missing again...

McKoala said...

Does Sock Monkey charge you for the full hour when he spends half of it looking for his diary? s