Sunday, December 19, 2010

Ladle On The Festivity

Today marks my official run-up to Christmas.

Yes, the tree has been up for a week, and yes, we have lots of festive snow, and yes, I’ve started on the whiskey a couple of days early (along with the chocolates, the Satsumo wrestlers, the nuts and the stray sultanas that didn’t make the pudding), but today we have our first guests, our first shot at Holiday Wii, and Son of Whirl and I get to cook a full Sunday roast in our matching pinnies.

I don’t profess to being the greatest entertainer on the planet, but here are a few tips I’ve found useful for those of you hosting gatherings of friends and family this year.

1. My Mum always used to decorate up the pictures hung in our living room with tinsel and spare baubles from the tree. I’ve since found this works especially well if said pictures are replaced with placards reading CHEER UP, YOU MISERABLE BUGGERS.

2. Pets, too, can be similarly adorned. Geoff has a wooly glove we converted into a fairy light display of wonder when she was a kitten, and though she can’t roam far when she’s strapped and plugged in, she radiates Christmas cheer year after year. That said, she could do with a bigger glove now she’s 17...

3. Never, ever, treat yourself to weird-sounding “luxury” cheeses.

4. Got an irritating uncle? A horrid granny? Some other relative you don’t want round but can’t not invite? Why not convert your garden shed into a scintillatingly festive Lapland grotto, complete with animatronic Santa, elves and reindeer, and lock him or her securely inside till well after New Year?

5. Ironing Brussel Sprouts isn’t ‘Blumenthal’ — it’s just stupid.

6. Lacing the pre-feast glasses of sherry with crumbled indigestion tablets can cut out no end of fuss later on.

7. Never, ever, ever hire out a live bear for the kids to pet.

8. Coins inserted into the Christmas pudding should be thoroughly washed beforehand. To prevent any notes from going soggy, roll them up inside the casing of an old biro and seal at both ends with Blu-tak. Same goes for cheques.

9. Scour your back catalogue of Christmas music for any trace of Gary Glitter. Nothing kills a family celebration stone dead quicker than a predatory paedophile in silver platforms.

10. Tired of traditional party games? Out of batteries for the Wii? Why not Bazuka That Verruca?


Sylvia said...

I definitely need some of those placards. But I think you've put me off Christmas Puddings for life.

fairyhedgehog said...

But I always iron my Brussel sprouts

Phoenix said...

#4 and #6 shall be going on my party planning to-do list immediately.

Sounds like your festivities are well in gloved kitty and stockinged feet.


Old Kitty said...

Thank goodness I'm not hosting. But I insist on the live bear! Mum take note. Thank you.

Take care

stacy said...

I'm taking up #2. Let's see how fast the cats will try to get the tinsel off.

McKoala said...

Grandma McKoala always wraps the coins in cling film. Peeling slimy cling film off the coins is beyond disgusting.

Whirlochre said...

I'm beginning to think my visitors are the last bastion of mankind's Christmas cheer.

Are your households the epicentre of unrestrained festivity?

Forming some celestial hexagon of joy and wonder?


Robin B. said...

I haveta get more in the mood, Christmas-wise! Went to a couple of people's Christmas party deals this past weekend, and their houses were decorated to the nines. We have a small table tree, two wreaths, our cards are out, we have two big stuffed Santas on 2 chairs, and a couple of pretties on a table. it. Apparently, we suck.

So glad you don't!