Saturday, September 4, 2010

Skimpy Dimpy Polamalula


The best thing about blogging is the socialising, the popping in to say, “how do you do?” and “you’re going out in that outfit? What do you think you are? Some kind of avant-garde clown-cum-astronaut?” I love all of that stuff. And blogs are such a better arena for it all than Twattity Twat Twat Twat or Arsetome — not that I think ill of anyone who uses either of these great 21st Century innovations (especially me).

The downside to blogging is the Troy Polamalu tangle of unread posts that builds up after a few days away from your inbox: all those missed birthdays, parties and announcements; deaths of special hamsters (capable of stunts) and hand-sewn swimming costumes. I hate all of that stuff. Because it means I have to skimp on my reading. And at my time of life, especially right now, clad as I am in my summer shorts and way uncool horrific leather sandals, skimping is a hard one to pull off — like the lid on a jar of baby food replaced by a baby gorilla too smart to be fobbed off with Apple ‘n’ Lemur flavour Ape-o Mush. Actually, that gorilla is way too smart to be kept in the house, now I think of it. Screwing a tin lid back on a tin of unwanted ape food, as an act of indignance, smacks of a degree of intelligence unseen since the quintet of Planet of the Apes films hit our screens in the late 70s. How many baby gorillas have watched the re-runs of those as they’ve languished in their compounds, captives of some late night TV watching zookeeper? It would only have taken one to mutter (in its gorilla-y way), “hey, listen everyone — that Roddy McDowell guy’s on to something. If we can get ourselves some Hooman costumes, we can make it big in Hollywood” before we’re talking Potential Simian Insurrection Time. But — Potential, not Actual, note. Because even if word had filtered through to every captive gorilla in every land, and even if they’d been able to get hold of a job lot of human costumes, unless they’d also been watching Gok Wan’s How To Look Good Naked, they wouldn’t have seen the need to mix and match trousers and tops, and would have gone out into the world with all manner of flares of fabric trailing from their disproportionately short and doubly bent legs, and been picked up immediately by the authorities. Maybe that’s what happened. One by one, the bravest set out, lured by the bright lights, the fame. And one by one they were all banged up again. Four square walls and a handful of floppy bananas. They say failure can ruin a guy. Imagine what it must have done to all those gorillas. That’s why we’ve got to be careful to feed the little ones their favourite flavours of Ape-o Mush. To stop them coming over all petulant and screwing down the tin lids. That’s how it starts. Be warned.

So what blog posts do you find yourself skimping on when you fall under the wheels of your bloggerly inbox?

Long ones? Rants? Advice? Or those featuring a candid account of Clint Eastwood and John Wayne trying to outholster each other at the film premiere of The Towering Inferno? If it’s the latter, I can save you some valuable time in the future by posting it.

8 comments:

Old Kitty said...

Luckily these fine apes are far too clever for humans. They have seen the programmes we like to vegetate on and thought.. "nah... it's not too bad here in my cage - at least I don't end up looking like a couch potato on a stick. Besides I fart better."

Take care
x

fairyhedgehog said...

When I got back from my two weeks without internet *sob* I mainly read friends' blogs and funnies and skipped the rest.

Blogger won't let me unsubscribe to any blogs, so Cake Wrecks keeps popping up in my google reader. I've found there are just so many funny cakes I can stand...

Whirlochre said...

Old Kitty
Given the enormity of their backsides, baboons are the animals I'd currently like to witness blowing off a bowel-load least.

Hoggy Poggy
Good to have you back. Interestingly, being without internet for a while does have its benefits in terms of cutting down the distraction factor. Glad you were somewhere nice for that.

jjdebenedictis said...

I'm willing to skim just about anything. I am an equal opportunity skimmer.

I'm less likely to skim something that is genuinely amusing or genuinely interesting, regardless of the length.

Whirlochre said...

JJ
Glad to hear it.

ril said...

Hm? What was the question?

Whirlochre said...

Ril
The question was, Ril, will you be 7th commenter?

So, now I have a covert "yes", anything goes...

writtenwyrdd said...

I hadn't read google for a few days (4 or 5?) and came up with over 700 this morning. I just acknowledged most of them.