Tuesday, August 24, 2010

Vlogahula, Vlog Vlogahula

Unable to decide whether to post some poetry, flash fiction or a vlog, I plumped for all three in one...





Jack Spratt could eat no fat.
So he bit the head off a starving cat.
Sucked the brain out just like that
In two and three quarter seconds flat.

"Wife," he cried,
"There's summat else inside this skull —
It looks like marmalade."

So she made a beeline
For the feline
Because it sounded
Most appealing.

"You're right Jack Spratt —
Inside this skull,
It's definitely marmalade.
And there's a slice of toast,
A cup of tea,
A great big waffle and a sausage sarny."

"Great!" said Jack,
"I'll have this toast and these two slices of bread.
You can have the waffle and the sausage
And we'll leave the cup of tea in the head —

Well,
It'll keep it warm, won't it?"

So they tucked in,
Using the legs as a knife and fork
And saving the tail for a spoon.
It felt like a bit of a party
So they blew the body up like a balloon.

"This balloon's going down,"
Said Jack with a frown.
"There must be a hole in it."

So he got his bike pump
And stuck it up the rump
And pumped for a whole minute.

"It's coming out the other end now," said his wife.
"I'll get the vacuum cleaner.
If you keep pumping I can stick it on blow
and we'll get the bugger up between us."

Well,
the cat exploded didn't it?

It's fur flew off out of the window
Like Bela Lugosi's pet bat.
The rest of it splatted on the ceiling and walls
Like the pattern on a sofa from Habitat.

But far from being angry
The Spratts were overjoyed.
"I won't have to decorate now," said Jack.
"And look!
This tooth has popped that massive boil on me back."

"That's great!" said his wife,
"And we can use this eyeball
To prop up the leg on the kitchen table.
I don't know what's attached to it
But you can keep your fags in it.
And won't this make a lovely little purse?"

"No it won't," said Jack.
"It's burst."

They tidied up their bits and bobs
And put them all away —
Some in tins marked 'Sunday Best',
The rest 'Membraney Day'.
And when the house was spick and span
They listened to the end of Terry Wogan
With the cold cup of tea
They'd rescued from its unfortunate host moggy.



3 comments:

Jinksy said...

Wish I had a ironing monster like that...

Old Kitty said...

Luckily (LOL!!!) I'm at work so don't have the sound on the pc. But I still got to look at your amazing bookcase full of books and a monkey!

I hope your ironing monster finds her or his bag. No self-respecting monster would dare to be seen without their bag.

Take care
x

Whirlochre said...

Jinksy
Some days there's no escape from the toil.

So what better way to unwind than to press some trousers?

Old Kitty
The bookcase is groaning terribly at the moment, mainly with old comic annuals like the Beezer.