Monday, August 30, 2010

There's An Englishman, A Scotsman And An Irishman — 3,973 Camels And A Masseuse 8


“Why are pirates called pirates?”

“Is this a joke? Or a serious question?”

“It’s a joke.”

“Okay. But it’s kind of a serious question too, if you think about it.”

“It’s certainly a question. But serious? Are you serious?”

“Not about the pirate thing specifically. Just why — why call a teaspoon a teaspoon, for example? Why not call it a wazoogy?”

“Whoa. Too much going on at once there. A teaspoon is called a teaspoon because it’s a spoon for stirring tea. And it isn’t called a wazoogy, because that would just be stupid.”

“Point taken. But it’s only called a teaspoon because there’s such a thing called tea and such a thing called a spoon—”

“There’s probably more than just the one spoon.”

“Ha ha. My point is, why call tea tea and a spoon a spoon? Why not a waz and an oogy?”

“Because no-one would drink tea if it was called waz. And if Edward Lear had been forced to refer to a ‘runcible oogy’ in The Owl and the Pussycat, said animal combo would have ended up boogying by the light of the moon instead of dancing, which wouldn’t have rhymed, and in any case, the word boogy wasn’t available to Lear at the time.”

“True. But if the moon was instead called—”

“Don’t go there. And don’t — don’t — even think about messing with runcible.”

“You’re accusing me of messing with the runcibles? Hey, no-one messes with the runcibles.”

“Or pirates, if they’ve got any sense...”

“The pirates, of course. The pirates...”

“So can we get on with my joke now?”

“Okay. Fire away.”

“Why are pirates called pirates?”

“I don’t know, why are pirates called pirates?”

“Because they aaaaaaaaaaaaar

“And this is a joke?”

“It’s hilarious.”

“Okay, I’m going to pick you up on two things here. Firstly, it is not hilarious. A pirate is called a pirate because it just is? That would mean everything is hilarious. A spade is a spade — hahahahaha. A teaspoon is a teaspoon — whahahahahahaha. A wazoogy—”

“No,no, it’s not A pirate; it’s pirates, plural.”

“They’re funnier when there’s more than one of them? As in, here comes a pirate, out to kill me, haha — no wait a minute, there’s four of the bastards, why, I’m splitting my sides?”

“There has to be more than one pirate for the joke to work.”

“Crikey. If they ever graduate to changing light bulbs or squeezing themselves into a Mini, comedy’s had it.”

“Now you’re being facetious.”

“Okay, so how does it work then, this joke?”

“Because pirates are called pirates because they aaaaaaaaaaaaar.”

“Yes, but WHY aaaaaaaaaaaaar they? It’s a serious question. The whole of our language, our dialogue, our discourse, depends on the answer to this fundamental question.”

“Bugger you, then, Mr Serious Face. I might just as well have asked why ants are called ants.”

“So — why aaaaaaaaaaaaar they?”

“Because, like wazoogy, ‘pants’ would just be stupid.”

“‘Pants?’ Haha. Hahahahahaha. Hahahahahahahaha, that’s hilarious! Look, there’s a PANT crawling on my arm! Because I sat on a PANThill! Hahahahaha! And now I’ve got PANTs in my pants! Hahahahahahahhahah! That’s so funny! Hahahahahahahaha...”

“christ...”

10 comments:

Old Kitty said...

Knock knock
Who's there?
Euripedes.
Euripedes who?
Euripedes pants, you'll pay.

:-)

take care
x

iasa said...

That was delightful. Made me giggle out loud.

Old kitty- told that joke to by boys this morning, i laughed, they exchanged the 'i think mama's losing it eye roll'

Whirlochre said...

Old Kitty
This sounds like it might have been in a Marx Bros film. In which case — I'm using it.

Iasa
Giggle out loud? I should think so. A silent giggle is a snort.

writtenwyrdd said...

Priceless Whirl writing here. Just priceless.

Um, a snort isn't silent last I heard...

writtenwyrdd said...

PS email me re your prize!!

Whirlochre said...

Will do.

stacy said...

This made me smile.

Whirlochre said...

But I thought you were smiling already.

jjdebenedictis said...

Psst - totally off-topic, but I've remembered a nice, accessible book on special and general relativity. It's "Black Holes and Time Warps: Einstein's Outrageous Legacy" by Kip Thorne.

Finding an equally-accessible book on quantum mechanics is a bit harder, but I'll let you know if I stumble across one.

Whirlochre said...

Thanks JJ.