Thursday, August 19, 2010

Pec Dobermann's Online Bookstore

Thanks to the commenters in this recent Trail d’Abyss, I’m alerted to a number of outstanding books c/o the recently launched Pec Dobermann’s Online Bookstore.


The Upper Bobbley Grammar School Companion To The Brain — Mr Duncan Wibberley
The brains of 1000 animals compared and contrasted using the author's own patented 'spaghetti maps’. Discover why the brain of a horse is bigger than that of a rabbit, why the brain of a St Bernard is somewhere in between the two, and why the brain of the author qualifies as a brain at all.
"Scientific to the point of being meaningless.” The Daily Mail

You Murder The Archbishop, I'll Pop My Buboes — Dicky Watts
Further irreverent historical romps from the author of "King Henry VIII, What An Old Bugger", "The Vikings Massaged Our Figures" and "William The Conqueror: Warrior, Leader, Screaming Transvestite".

The Beginner's Guide To Refrigerator Comparing — Mortimer Juxtaposie
An indispensable introduction to this fascinating new hobby. Compare your fridge to 150 classic models from 1951-2009. All the stats, all the wiring diagrams, all the multipack yoghurt placement options. A must for anyone for whom train spotting has ceased to be a challenge.

For business people, they have
You Are The Master, The Cosmos Is Your Slave — Conrad X. Poborsky
101 pro-active self-improvement techniques for stressed-out executives with no time to practice self- improvement techniques. Guaranteed to increase the gap between your bookends by three dynamite inches.

And for people who are slightly less busy, there's
1001 Things To Do With A Tube Of Glue On A Rainy Day — Stig Fast
"Unputdownable" The Daily Mirror

DIY buffs will no doubt enjoy
Home Snorkelling — Ely Froglike
Convert your bathtub into an amazing (yet compact) underwater paradise for less than £50. Includes free safety leaflet, luminous car window sticker and two realistic inflatable sharks (not to scale).

Talking of which, there's some great introductory kid's books for 25p each, including
* Harriet And Todd's First Pants
* Stavros The Amiable Goat
* Benjy The Bee Stings Grandma On Her Nose, Neck, Ears, Arms, Mouth, Stomach & Legs

Order all three NOW and you get a free copy of The Sylvia Plath Pop-Up Book (Hughes Machete Nightmare Murder Edition)

For sci-fi fans they have
Great Ex-Spock Dachshunds — Leonard Nimoy
The renowned alien actor recalls the lovable trio of sausage dogs that accompanied him on set every day during the filming of Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan.

* * * BESTSELLERS * * *

I Fell In Love With A Gaelic Prankster — T.P. Hartbury
The finely-honed and riskily rumbustuous saga of an Egyptologist's daughter who enters into a passionate romance with a vacuum cleaner repair specialist from Ballyflippinbonkers before committing suicide on an ocean liner bound for the Orient.

Ripples Over Lake Superior — Aston Calibrese
A million-to-one collision between two jumbo jets full of American bodybuilders throws the 1978 Mr Universe Championships into turmoil. Another electrifying thriller from the author of Split Trunks.

Smart Horse — Jilly Ropey
The heart -wrenching tale of a blind skinless midget born into a family of sadistic salt merchants who finally escapes from his tormentors by undergoing plastic surgery and winning the Grand National.

The Mattress Salesman — Kenneth J. Petrol
Geriatric mattress stuffer, Albert Dalrimple, has his life turned upside down when a secret admirer finally reveals herself in the flesh after 62 years. It's true love at last — but sadly, she's a terrapin.

Diarrhoea Suzi VII: The Plume — Germaine Van Driver
A brutal multiple homicide sparks racial tension in the Bronx. Meanwhile, Suzi Dempster goes on yet another legendary ballistic buttock rampage, spraying all and sundry with the contents of her genetically modified intestinal tract.

The Shelf — Weston D. Guillarme
The final clue to a fiendish murder resides on a dusty shelf in the upstairs back-bedroom of a tumbledown Yorkshire cottage. Accompany Detective Kelvin Buttress on yet another testing house-to-house search — this time IN THE RAIN!

Jain Hair — Ram Swaroop Vidhyarti
Terrorists get more than they bargain for when a Buddhist heavy metal band foils their plot to nuke the Glastonbury festival.

* * * DEBUT TITLES * * *

Dwarf Eager — Pearl Labyrinth
#10 in the Mana House Fantasy Classics series, this Iliad-inspired epic tale follows a remarkable dwarven entrepreneur in his quest to bring cleanliness to the underworld.

Dwarf Eager studied the grimy faces of the orcs gathered before him. Soap would be quite hopeless, and a dunk in an underground river possibly more so — assuming he could even find such a body of water in this hellhole. No. It was time. He knew it. Time to crack open his tub of magic grease and clean up each and every last one of them.

The 10 Pints + 40 a Day Diet — Gruff Geezer
More survival secrets for the underclass from Lemmy’s outspoken ex-gimp.

Rawhide Days — Carvel Crackbottom
Follow the adventures of saddlesore Navaho rustler, Big Hank Weeping Butt, as he scours the Wild West for soothing anal medication and a pair of anti-chafe leather pants.

Intelligence Tests For Incontinent Paratroopers With No Sense Of Direction (And Acne) — E.Q. Piddle
Actually, I’m making this one up — but don’t tell me you weren’t fooled for a minute there.

The Gibbon Omen — Appercu Cowper
It’s the Omen. It’s gibbons. It’s scary.

The Inseminatrix — Francis Van der Klod
When the bodies of ten government ministers are found pumped full of custard and abandoned outside Tesco, Detective Chief Inspector Keanoonoo Reeves knows he must confront...The Missus.
Rex— Scrappy Longbottom
One postman’s crusade to murder the vicious pit bull terrier hellbent on ruining his trousers.
Felix Wankel: Inventor of the Rotary Engine, much-loved German closet bigamist, champion grower of sprouts — W.O.O. Hoo
Following in the tradition of Latitude comes this fantastically researched biography. Pulls no punches with the knob jokes.
Wangy the Mule — Barnaby Hottentot
Riding high on the success of his Hugo Hamster trilogy, Hottentot delivers the goods once again with this outstanding picture book for the under-2s.
Divided At Birth, Together For Life — Callum Nee
The reclusive Siamese twin brother of celebrity magician, Callum Num, spills the beans on the famous Great Teleportation Stunt.
And finally...

I'm indebted to Fairyhedgehog for this one — though why, I have no idea.


Old Kitty said...

No Young Adult Fantasy Vampire/Paranormal Books to recommend?!!?

Tut. Tut.

Of if you are really posh:

Tsk. Tsk.

Take care

Aerin said...

A side note: girls do not like that much tongue, particularly sliding down their throats; they love, however, men in corsets and pink panties, and with such a fantabulous title, I won't write an official letter of complaint to the art department.

Oh, oh, oh, next up: iTunes Whirl o' Mix, where the Trail d'Abyss leads you to the newest bands, tunes, and hit singles....

word verification: consceme
I dunno, but it sounds like a word you'd find in that Rum Goat Savage book.

Whirlochre said...

Old Kitty
I haven't tsked in ages. Time to go and buy a copy of the Daily Telegraph and rehearse my considered pique...

Some of those bands are older than the Vikings. Time also to upgrade the Mixpod.

As for consceme — sounds like a tapioca-style pudding made of bodily fluids.

Mother (Re)produces. said...

ooh ooh! Can I have a copy of 'I Fell in Love With a Gaelic Prankster,' please?

stacy said...

Ha! If only romance novels had men in corsets and pink panties. I'd buy them, then. It'd make for an interesting twist in the genre.

Whirlochre said...

It's only available for the iFirbolg, I'm afraid.

"interesting twist in the genre" — is that a euphemism?

writtenwyrdd said...

After I hauled my eyebrows back down into the vicinity of my forehead, I had to chuckle, especilly at the monstro tongue on that cover model. (For the record, I'm with Aerin.)

I have to say that I'd at least look at a book with a cover like that. Perhaps you have a new career ahead of you.

Whirlochre said...

Ok, I'm packing in the fiction and taking up the hot guy photography thing...

Robin B. said...

Ha! Mother Re and I both liked the Gaelic thang best.

fairyhedgehog said...

So where do I order all these books then? I can't wait to read THE SHELF - a house to house search in the rain. What's not to like?

Oh, and the Rum Goat Savage cover is beyond belief but I wasn't quite sure of the genre. For a moment there I thought I was really going to find out how to make woolly lace knickers.