Monday, July 5, 2010

Get Thee To A Minionnery

Such was my mission. Such was my destiny. Such was my curse.

For today, I was the thee.

Though if truth be told, it was yesterday, Independence Day: Evil Editor’s minions’ meet-up day.


I emerged from the London Underground like a bolus of Marks & Sparks mix ‘n’ match leisurewear shunted along the intestinal tract of an improperly contsructed Ikea cyborg.

Above me, the sun beamed bright; ahead of me, the wanky new bridge across the Thames to the South Bank groaned with tourists, its girders bowed into a Dachsund U of agony.

Cheery musicians plucked and beat and trumpeted and sang as one: cut to the chase, Whirl. No-one’s interested in the bridge or the scenery — they just want to know about the minions.

And so, to the huddle of tangerine parasols afloat outside Giraffe on the joie de vivre of its patrons.

Immediately, I sensed danger.

Fairyhedgehog, it seemed, had been possessed by the spirit of a twisted undead troll lord, just as she was regaling the other gathered minions with tales of her brand new luxury 50cc lawnmower.

‘You push it like this! You push it like this!’ she screamed.

Fortunately, I was wearing my stripy Whirl socks. One flash of those babies, and the troll lord’s evil essence fled along the embankment and disappeared up some posh woman’s skirt.

‘Glad you could make it,’ said Fairy.

I took my place alongside Janey V and Beau de Hog, glanced across the table to Fairy, Polenth, Robin and Beau de Robin, pleased as punch that their corporeal magnificence perfectly matched their online persona de plumes. No need, then, for my B plan of feigning death or legging it if they turned out to be dreadful, horrible people.

Presently, it was time to order. Robin turned to the waiter and said, ‘on your knees, boy — less you want a whuppin’’ while Fairy and Janey beat the hapless boy’s behind, sticks of celery a-flailing.

You don’t mess with the Minions, you trendy South Bank restauranteurs.

With Evil Editor’s picture in pride of place on the condiment rack between the tomato ketchup and the salad cream, and a hearty toast sunk in his name (including the crusts and the burnt bits round the edges), the minions tucked in to a feast of tantalising international fayre, considerable volumes of plonk, and enough witty and exuberant conversation to power a small cinema showing back-to-back screenings of The Guns of Navarone for a week.

Then it was time for the arm-wrestling.

Janey and Robin vs Whirl and Fairy, with Polenth squeezing distracting lemon juice into the contestants’ eyes while both the Beaus collected money from the assembled crowd in bras borrowed from the enthusiastic Giraffe serving-wenchery.*

* £58.35 for Children in Need, £123.87 for the Withybrook Ladies’ Crippled Donkey Salvation Trust, £16.45 for a nice bottle of Pinot Noir (collecting money in a bra is hot work, so we had to give the boys something), £27.83 for Muffle Brian Blessed, and three separate offers of “a right bloody punch in the face” for Evil Editor from a couple of disgruntled authors and an echolaic drunkard who just happened to be passing by.

The good thing about the tables outside Giraffe is that they’re sturdy. And sturdy is just the thing you need when you find yourself pinned down by the dual anaconda grip of Janey and Robin — with the hot sweat of their ferocity dripping in your face and a half eaten chocolate cake poised to fly from the woodwork as you writhe. Had I tackled them alone (my original plan, till they stripped to their waists and alerted me to the beating I was in for), I’d surely have been pounded to mincemeat. With Fairy by my side, I figured I could make that a good solid bread dough, maybe even a chunky farmhouse-style soup. But Fairy is tougher than she looks. And she bites.

The result? A mutually agreed draw.

So everyone was happy — especially Polenth, mainly because she

1) didn’t have to do any fighting,
2) had enough lemon juice left to squeeze into her fresh orange smoothie and make a dinky fruit cocktail,
3) saw a pigeon loop the loop over a riverboat just as Robin and Janey tossed me over their shoulders, and was amused by the matching parabolae.

It’s a shame I didn’t have my camera handy more often, but such were the joys of the afternoon, I couldn’t help but be immersed in their droobilicious effuse.

Fortunately, there was time for one final snap, just as we got ready to say our goodbyes...

Adieu, mes amis!


More coverage here. And here.


fairyhedgehog said...

A true and accurate account of the occasion.

I think I've stopped laughing enough to breathe again now.

Old Kitty said...

Oh what larks you all had! What fun! :-) Especially the bit with the celery sticks.

Take care

Phoenix said...

How content you all look. And how real and alive. Like your avatars were imbued with some Frankensteinian-inspired electrocutionary energy that animated them into something living and amazing and mysteriously legless.

I shall now crawl under a bridge and wait for lightning to strike me into being a real minion, too.

fairyhedgehog said...

Pheonix, you're the minioniest of minions! I wish you could have been there. And Old Kitty too.

JaneyV said...

Reading this is like watching video playback of the entire afternoon! There was a lot of laughing.
That last photo of you, me and Robin with barely a single thought between us just creased me up.

Lovely to meet you at long last Whirl.

I have to wait for my techie (i.e. any of the kids or my Hubby) to come home before I upload mine. I don't know where to find the camera cabley thing.

Word verification: cines
even google applauds your cinematic flair.

ril said...

Oh my goodness, you're all real people. In the flesh. How jolly!

Looks like you had a roaring time. Wish I could have been there with you!

Aerin said...

My imaginary friends in the flesh? Too much for me, I'm going to go hide under the bridge with Phoenix.

writtenwyrdd said...

I think I shall have to print the last picture and hang it above my desk. :)

Whirlochre said...

Please don't asphyxiate yourself on my account.

Balloons, always balloons...

Old Kitty
Thwippety thwappety thwip it goes...

There's certainly an electrocutionary energy about the way Fairy's eyes flash. You can almost hear her eyelashes sizzle.

Have you tried bolts through the neck? I believe they have them in Wal-Mart (though probably only for the staff).

So much laughter I could feel you vibrating.

Why don't you turn up and surprise us next time? Wearing a stick-on beard?

Sorry to blow your illusions — but if we'd sucked, we'd have choked to death.

According to the Yeged-Godi's Divine Inspiration Chart, the three of us are currently sitting higher than Buddha, Elvis and the keyboardist from The Doors...

jjdebenedictis said...

That sounds like amazing fun. I wish I could have been there.

You know. Watching from a safe distance and all. I would have tossed money in the bra, for sure.

Ann said...

And a ripping good time was had by all it seems!

Whirlochre said...

I always figured you were a Willingly Toss Money Into A Bra kind of a girl.

It's true. The bench seats were very difficult to negotiate. Thank heavens for reinforced gussets.

sylvia said...

I'm so sorry I missed it! Especially reading this account - bizarre and wondrous happenings!

Next time, definitely.

Kiersten White said...

But the real questions is, Whirl, did you get your bra back?

(Also, what a fine looking crew! I'll admit to being jealous of both the company and the location.)

_*rachel*_ said...

Aw, I feel so depressed that I missed it. I mean, what's hanging out with the minions compared to an unscheduled, insane shift at work? Though I later spent my time watching some spectacular fireworks (which I know you probably don't care you missed, but I intend to rub in your faces anyway).

Whirlochre said...

And we missed you, Sylvia.

DJ Kirkby said...

Now that sounded like fun!

McKoala said...

Not jealous. Nope. Not one little bit. Nope. Um. Bye then.

Natalie Whipple said...

I can't seem to stop giggling.

Robin S. said...

HA!!! I'm on my daughter's laptop and It's a MAC s I suck at typing on it, but this was a joy to attend and then to read about!

Whirlochre said...

Lots of comments arriving in the wrong order here.

Rumour has it that Blogger has been up the spongo today.

But — on, on...

I'm tempted to say that's a little below the belt, but of course, it's way above the belt, isn't it? A bra?

Thanks for dropping by. Fireworks, I would definitely miss, so we're even.

So much fun I even fell over.

Glad to have ruffled your fluffy bits. I'm sure our First Contact will be fun when it comes — even if you nibble at my bottom.

That'll be because I'm bloody hilarious.


stacy said...

Sounds like a great time was had by all. Wish I could have been there!

Whirlochre said...

We tried summoning you but Fairy's wand got bent after the first armlock...