Tuesday, May 11, 2010

One Final Pancake Makeup Check Before I Stroll Onto The Unforgiving Boards

The great thing about performing a concerted search for the perfect literary agent to represent me (nay, be ready to slay on my behalf in an arena aprowl with yowling wolves), is my discovery that the process I’m going through now, scrutinising website after website, must be very similar to the daily flexing of suture and vim executed by the literary agents themselves as they wade through pile after pile after pile after pile after pile of slush* in search of a rare gem they might actually be able to pass on to a publisher.

* I’m indebted to my high school teacher, Mr Goulding, here, for it was he who counselled me to “avoid repetition unless it’s absolutely necessary”.

It’s amazing how cavalier I have become in such a short space of time. Gone now are the almost academic perusals of submission guidelines, agents’ bios, and client lists; the chewing of fat generously oozing from sidebars and sublinks. In their place is a minor miracle of a database, resplendent with such necessarily curt phrases as ‘looks a bit iffy’, ‘film & celeb’, and (though it shames me to admit how especially pleased I am with this one) ‘WANK WANK WANK’.

Fortunately, as I swing the metaphoric penis of disparagement about my head in a gay circle, this single dead cert NO-NO agent is matched at the far end of a very long scale by a goodly number of prospects at the other, in response to which even the hairs lining my nostrils have begun to erect themselves as if magicked by the very same Follicle Wand used on Billy Idol, Mr T and Dennis the Menace.

Some time within the next few weeks (and continuing over the next few months), I hope formally to engage in a two-prong whittling down of likely suspects with a view to establishing a mutual agreement of like minds.

We’re all bloody Lib Dems now...


fairyhedgehog said...

Good luck with the querying.

(My comment seems so tame after your extravaganza.)

Old Kitty said...

Gosh, you're so organised! Talk about deploying the pincer movement.

GOOD LUCK with your Agent Hunting.

Mr Goulding gets my vote.

Take care

stacy said...

I just had a great idea for a movie: Good Whirl Hunting. It's the saga of a man nearly driven mad in his quest for an agent.

Of course, there's a happy ending. He finds one and gets published and even saves the damsel in distress, Indiana Jones style.

You like? I'll call ya when I'm ready to option the rights.

I've had a lot of coffee this morning. Can you tell???

Whirlochre said...

Fairy Katkins
Thanks for the dual squirt of luck.

Spiderman had his spider sense; I have an uncanny ability to detect when Chicago-based musicians have overdone the coffee.

Oh, and without wishing to give away any more of my uncanny superpowers, take that ridiculous hat off before you light the candles...

Kiersten White said...

I would highly recommend avoiding many of the phrases used in this post in your query letter. I'm going to leave it to you to decide which phrases I'm referring to, though.

(Also, yay! What an exciting/terrifying/horrible/thrilling stage!)

ril said...

I wish you luck as you strike, magic staff firmly in hand, forth in your quest to find the perfect representative for your tale.

My only advice: Curtis Brown Literary and Gordon Brown Literary should, on no account, be confused.

Whirlochre said...

Crikey! You're right! Phew! Thanks! Could have made a colossal booboo there.

Also Tony Curtis. Mustn't forget that one.

ril said...

Also Tony Curtis. Mustn't forget that one.

Ah, what a persuader he was...

writtenwyrdd said...

I envy you, but I don't. I wish you much success and a bidding war .

Whirlochre said...

Next stop... Woody Strode...

I'm ready to weild the worst kind of phantasmogorical cutlass if they will.

Robin S. said...

I would love to see your agent notes. What a scream!

And then there's ril, playin' off your riff, with his riff (continuation)...I wish you luck as you strike, magic staff firmly in hand, forth in your quest to find the perfect representative for your tale.

Anyway, Whirl,I wish you excellent luck with/on your quest! All I can say is, they should be so lucky. Seriously.

Bernita said...

I'm glad it was metaphorical...regardless, the image was almost to much to be borne with equinimity.I have my Victorian side, you know.

I'm certain you'll be successful, Whirl. The world has not entirely gone to hell in a handbasket.

sylvia said...

I'm holding my breath on your behalf.

Although I'm not sure the blueberry look suits me. :P

Whirlochre said...

Just noted down an 'unbelievably poncy' — and another two 'looks OK's.

Hell is a bad choice these days given all the 2-for-1 offers at Tesco...

Please don't burst on my account.

fairyhedgehog said...

When do we get some more pictures of Geoff? I'm suffering from withdrawal symptoms.