Sunday, May 23, 2010

Four Bedrolls And A Free-for-all


If you’ve ever hosted a sleepover for four twelve-year-old boys, you’ll know the answers to the following questions.


How many litres of violently shaken fizzy pop does it take to grace your newly decorated living room with the look, feel and smell of a recently drained dolphinarium?

Why is three in the morning the least apt time for an eruption of tag team duelling airbed action?

We’ve had Da Vinci, Newton, Galileo, Einstein and Hawking — so how come a simple pipe attachment for conveying boys’ wee directly from the ends of their willies into the loo remains uninvented?

What noise does a cat make when chased round a confined space at the mercy of a toy crossbow quartet?

Baked beans from KFC are
1) A tasty accompaniment to the Colonel’s even tastier chicken.
2) Great value for money.
3) Grown organically to help protect the environment.
4) Splattered all over the fucking house.

Where, in the list of instructions for the Wii Fit, does it say, “for maximum enjoyment, plug in and play as the clock strikes midnight”?

When is shamelessly naive and puerile talk about girls ever worth voicing — particularly at 120 decibels by a gang of pre-pubescent puppy fat boys sat round an Xbox in Super Mario pyjamas levelling up Lego Jedi?
Cricket bat, shotgun — or lethal injection?
I could go on, but it looks like the spotty one is about to throw up...

15 comments:

fairyhedgehog said...

Isn't family life such fun? I hope the boys weren't too upset by your experiments with fizzy pop and your decision to play Wii fit at midnight.

Phoenix said...

Oooh, houseguests! You did remember to set out the best china and finger towels, didn't you?

McKoala said...

Whirl, I live. Hee hee, FH. Wasted, Phoenix, wasted.

Speaking of role reversal. Today DH dragged himself out of bed at 4am in the morning to go and watch Milan vs Bayern with a mate who has satellite. Four of them clustered around the telly until 5.20am in the morning when an outraged teenager appeared - apparently he sets his alarm for 5.20am every day so he can have an Xbox session uninterrupted by Little Brothers and Annoying Parents. Imagine his horror on finding his precious machine tainted by soccer. He wouldn't even watch with them. He just lurked in his room, yelling 'is it over yet?' at intervals and generally spoiling their fun.

Old Kitty said...

I couldn't answer any of the questions. Then I realised I didn't have or don't know any 12 year old boys - apart from my nephew but he's in australia so that's my excuse!

He does chase pigeons around for no reason apart from upsetting me!

Take care
x

Robin S. said...

HA! Don't have boys, so I can't commiserate fully, but I do have...girls. And they are their own special brand of pain-in-the-ass when they have parties.

When my oldest was somewhere in the 10 to 12 range, we had 8 or 9 girls over for a birthday party and they decided to play hide and seek (we had a three story house at the time). One of the girls actually climbed in my fucking clothes dryer. Are you kidding me!!!? Another waited until she thought everyone was out of the kitchen and proceeded to try very hard to shove an entire bag of dorito chips into her mouth, in clusters.

Christ, I'm SO happy it's almost over and 18year old is days away from high school graduation. PROM was last night. I didn't get much sleep, worrying.

Anyway, you're a good dad for putting up with this crap. I'd like to think those of us who allow the little animals to play in our homes will get some kind of good karma from it in the end. If we don't die first.

Whirlochre said...

Spectro Mammal
Personally, I'm enjoying Wii Fit Crocked Imbecile...

Phoenix
Of course — but this did nothing to prevent the 5am Jammie Dodger battle. There's jam and crumbs everywhere.

McKoala
It's a bizarre thing, but this year I skipped tha Champs League in favour of watching Danielle Hope flounce around as Dorothy from the Wizard of Oz...

Old Kitty
I can send them round if you're curious...

Wrobin
I now discover they didn't go to sleep at all. So we're talking nearly 16 hours of solid gaming, bar the odd 20 mins to wreck the place. Son of Whirl passed into a coma round about 4pm this afternoon...

jjdebenedictis said...

At the risk of being seen as unimaginative, LOL, LOL, LOL.

Son of Whirl passed into a coma round about 4pm this afternoon.

And did you inadvertently wake him again when you started singing "Hallelujah" in joy over finally see his eyes closed?

Robin S. said...

Whirl, is this sorta like seeing yourself grow up again, by any chance? Ha!

Scarlet Blue said...

I've heard it gets a lot worse... you just wait until they're eighteen... this weekend will seem like a dream.
Sx

sylvia said...

I was laughing out loud about halfway through this list.

Then realised I'm dangerously close to the same young men returning to my house but with alcohol.

ergh.

Peter Dudley said...

When is shamelessly naive and puerile talk about girls ever worth voicing — particularly at 120 decibels by a gang of pre-pubescent puppy fat boys sat round an Xbox in Super Mario pyjamas levelling up Lego Jedi?


Yes, yes. My younger son turned 11 last weekend, and he had four friends over to our house. (Not for a sleepover. I'm not THAT insane.)

I was a little shocked when the churchy Christian 10-year-old boy (whose parents won't let him play Dungeons & Dragons because there are demons involved) was playing a video game, and he shouted out, "Put that in your mouth and suck it!" Apparently he had just managed to get one video worm to eliminate another video worm via violent virtual explosion.

I am pretty sure he was unaware of the origin of that particular expression.

And, really... you served beans? You are a man of tremendous courage.

verification word: voled
I don't know what it is to have been "voled," but perhaps our hedgehog friend could help us out. Or, does Talpianna ever come round here?

Bernita said...

I let my kids go to sleep-overs but somehow,for some reason, we never hosted any...

Whirlochre said...

JJ
Sadly, I too passed into a coma.

Wrobin
Oddly enough — no. We had much more fun than sittling around twiddling our thumbs. The sad thing is that if a visitor from the future had turned up while we were romping round fields beating each other up with sticks, and presented us with an Xbox, no doubt we'd all have rushed inside and been beguiled.

Scarlet
Yeah — the hormone fountain is just around the corner.

Sylvia
At least it might be sangria.

Pete
Beans and cole slaw. Hey — I ride close to the wind with my danger, baby.

Bernita
Sounds like you've mastered the art of give and take regarding this one...

fairyhedgehog said...

Peter, I've never been voled but it sounds nasty!

Mother (Re)produces. said...

Hang on; I'm having a deja vu. Didn't you post about a similar party/experience once before? Minus the baked beans?


FWIW: My word ver is "dentilly." When was the last time you did something dentilly? I thought we weren't allowed to use adverbs, anyway.

I'd like to personally tar and fairy church-boy's ignorant anti D&D parents.