Sunday, April 4, 2010

A Personal Message To My Wonderful New Followers

Having a new bunch of followers is a terrible responsibility.

What if they log on and discover to their horror that the second post isn’t nearly half as good as the one that got them hooked? And what if they then re-read that initial post and think ‘what was I doing? I must have been some sort of idiot! I’m stomping round to Whirlochre’s house right this very minute to punch him on the nose for making me feel like a monkey!’
So I approach this post with the tentativeness of a Bambi, skating out onto thin ice. But that’s as far as the analogy goes, OK? I’m skipping the bit about his mum getting shot. Imagine instead that she was suffocated with a pillow. Or better still, poisoned so she didn’t suffer at all. Not the kind of poisoning where you’re grabbed and swabbed with chloroform, because technically, that’s almost as bad as being shot — unless the hunter just wings you, and you bleed to death over the course of a few hours. So we’ll say the poisoning is deliberate. Bambi’s mum has arranged to be poisoned, with something fast-acting and reliable, maybe with plenty of sugar added to take away any nasty taste and reduce the possibility that she might gag on it, swallow just the tiniest drop, and pass into that state of unconsciousness between full honours death and a life-threatening coma that leaves her permanently brain damaged. So she sneaks off into a fairy glen with Thumper and a bottle of the lethal draft. Thumper isn’t too sure about the whole idea, but agrees to go because he loves Bambi so much. In fact, it was his suggestion about the poison. Bambi’s mum had originally planned to go with the pillow thing, or a hanging — with drowning in the frozen lake coming a close third on account of there being no bricks to tie round her neck. Deep in the woods, he sorts things so Bambi never suspects it’s suicide by making it look like her Mum slipped up gambolling over a tree trunk and hit her head on a rock. Prior to administering the poison, Thumper uses a cheese grater to feign a graze on her forehead, then the two of them arrange her body next to the tree trunk just so and Thumper holds her down while he tips the poison into her mouth, because she does in fact gag, and when the muscle spasms kick in, it’s all he can do to stop her quivering body bouncing around on the verdant sward and emitting gutteral choking sounds. So, in the end, he does have to kind of suffocate her because he figures if Bambi hears anything, it will be far more emotionally scarring than any gunshot scenario, and he stuffs his bunny tail into her mouth to speed the whole asphyxiation thing up. So, yes, that’s it, that’s the analogy. Of me skating out, like Bambi, onto the thin ice of a brand new post. Tailored specially to appeal to my welcome new followers.
Maybe not.
Maybe I’ll have another bash after the bank holiday...


fairyhedgehog said...

I shouldn't have been reading this post because it wasn't addressed to me. Is that as bad as opening other
people's mail?

Poor Bambi's Mum. They only killed her off to make a good story.

Old Kitty said...

You were on Dr Who last night.

The Eye (I have a theory it was the Right Eye) made a spiffing and fab appearance.

Please watch Dr. Who on iplayer if you missed it cus you and The Eye wos there, honest.

As for Bambi's mum...

"your mother can't be with you anymore,"

Sniff, sniff. Blow nose. Sniff.



Mother (Re)produces. said...

Wasn't a Whirl eye; not unless it was wearing a coloured contact lens; those eyes were blue; Whirl eyes are brown like chocolate. I notice chocolate.

Now, two things:
1) How does the slant on the Thumper/Bambi's mother thing change if it turns out the whole tail-stuffing ashpyxiation scene was an accident, the result of some overenthusiastic kink play? I think I'd go for the "mom can't be with you any more" explaination if I were the one who had to tell Bambi.

2) Thumper didn't do it. He was here that night. Delivering eggs. Not saying anything else. Somebody get my lawyer on the phone.

Whirlochre said...

Easter Day Shrubbery Sniffler of a Twinkly Nature
That's you banished to the naughty step.

Old Kitty
Hey — no way was I missing Dr Who. This has been in my diary for weeks, and it didn't disappoint — apart, perhaps, from the opening scene where he's dangling from the Tardis. Kind of reprised the scene at the end of the last Tennant episode where Who crashes through the glass ceiling after a plummet through space. I can believe the guy is 900+ years old, and I can believe he travels in time and space. Where I draw the line is that he's somehow got hold of a Wolverine-style Adamantium skeleton.

Happy Easter — my chocolate offer from the last post still stands.

overenthusiastic kink play??? Is this like that Queen musical, only with Graham Norton and Dale Winton as the musical Davies brothers?

As for spilling the beans to Bambi, I'm guessing that whatever excuse you come up with, it has to be relayed by a fellow talking animal.

And Thumper? How many times do I have to tell the dummo that I DON'T LIKE ALMONDS?

DJ Kirkby said...

OMG. Is this post because you're trying to repress your inner geek? G'wan, stop denying yourself and visit my Chez Aspie blog before Monday evening if you want a chance to treat your inner geek for free. I wont tell anyone. Promise ;) Then you can go back to plotting how to injure the cute and fluffies...

DJ Kirkby said...

I'm baaaaaak :) no, don't run away, I won't talk long. I just wanted to ask if you've discovered Rachel Green's blog's yet? Try laverstone Tales or Diary of a Demon and go from there, I think you'll like them.

Whirlochre said...

Just about to head over. And thanks for the tips — will check out.

Robin S. said...

Hey, Whirl. Just got back in town a couple of hours ago- purposefully didn't have internet in the hotel room - so I wouldn't stray from edits/writing and I come back to this excellent and damned gorgeous picture! But I can't read the post very well - something about the color is making it hard for me to see your blog, honey.

Also (no kidding) I could've
SWORN I heard your voice on a Jag commercial the other day. If someone copped your voice for that commercial, you need to get your royalties!

Whirlochre said...

Glad to hear you didn't whitter your time away playing golf. As for the new look, it's still in the beta stage, though I have to say, as no-one has mentioned this so far, you've kind of singled yourself out as some sort of weirdo. Does it work on another computer?

Robin S. said...

No golf for Robin. Don't even play - but I told JB he had to be out of our room from 9:00 am until 4:00 pm daily, so I could edit, which is why we went awy in the first place, so I could get my head around the 3 chapters I was finding so hard to visit with, much less edit - so naturally, HE played golf. A lot.

P.S. I really can't read the blog so well, even with the second laptop I'm on now. I love the background color and the look, but the color of the words is light on mine, and kinda shiny.

P.P.S. I'm about to drive in to the slog job in DC. Amazing how crappy that feels.

maybe genius said...

What a delightful introductory alternate suicide-of-Bambi's-mom post to welcome me into the fold of your followers! :)

Whirlochre said...

I've changed the text to black from Shadowy Whippet Grey. Any better?

Maybe Genius
My thoughts exactly. It was going to be Dumbo, but I thought that would be a tad tacky.

fairyhedgehog said...

I hope the colour is better for Robin. It's OK for me, but I find that the font with serif is harder on the eye.

Robin S. said...

Thumper uses a cheese grater to feign a graze on her forehead.

Hell, there've been times I wish I'd thought of doing that!!

Anyway, now that I can read it, it's fun to see the new look. BUT (hate those buts, huh?) I'm still having to really pay attention when I read it. Looks like the post below has a different font, or bold/non-bold? If it's only me, then ignore me to your darling heart's content, Mr. Ochre.

DJ Kirkby said...

You won the comp on my blog! Congratulations.

Whirlochre said...

I'll use the bigger font as my new default setting but I can't bring myself to utilise the curl-less whiskers of Omar Sans Serif. Can't think why this is any less readable than the old version — it's black on white, after all. A subtle difference in the template, methinks.

Oh dear. You win my comp now I win yours. Now people will think we're married...

JaneyV said...

Mr Ochre.

I'm a 43 year old woman who purposefully avoided EVER watching Bambi. Never seen it. I've closed my eyes every time it's come up in one of those Top 50 Movies That Fucked Up Your Childhood programs they show on Channel 4. I mean I knew what happened to his Mum - that's why I never watched it - but as long as the images weren't planted in my head I never had to think about it.

Now I'm going to have to watch it - just so I can get the image of Thumper grating Mummy Bambi's head then sticking his arse in her gob to stop her from writhing about in pain, out of my mind.

I feel dirty.

Love the new look btw. And it's a real treat to see your gorgeous face. Happy Chocolate Egg Season.

McKoala said...

Oh my. What have you been doing while I've been gone?

You have a face. Gulp.

Whirlochre said...

To be honest, I'm not sure if I've seen it or not. Maybe I just blotted it out. Probably just as well — Herbie is enough to make me tearful.

But thankfully no buboes...

JaneyV said...

Disney does that you. A friend of mine blubbed at Disney on Ice. She only has to hear the music and she wells up. I blame Dumbo's Mum singing Baby Mine....

McKoala said...

But, there, on the right hand side of your forehead...oh, not a buboe...ok. Oh, sorry, I'm so embarrassed. I shouldn't have brought it up. My bad.

Whirlochre said...

And that scene from the Jungle Book. With the singing monkeys. I blub every time. So sad.

Are you sure you don't mean my ear? I know when you take a swipe at we humans, your claws are often directed indiscriminately, but we do have a clearcut anatomy, you know. Besides which, all my buboes are in their proper place. They've been quite bad over Easter, as it happens, and to make matters worse, my local vicar harangued me in the street on Good Friday for mocking Jesus with my (and I quote) "faux crucifixion posture".

McKoala said...

Watch out or my claws might head for a buboe that you would like to keep.

Whirlochre said...

Hey, you do realise that offering to pop a person's buboes is just a posh version of bursting their zits.

McKoala said...

Mmm, dodging pus fountains - the ultimate sign of friendship.

Whirlochre said...

Dodging Pus Fountains?

Didn't they have a hit in the late 90s?

McKoala said...

They were Number Two when Sweaty Glands were Number One.

Tracy said...

I think I will follow you. Just because of THIS post. :-)

Whirlochre said...

Huh! The rest not good enough for you? I see.

Geoff said...

What he means is — welcome aboard.

Stephanie Perkins said...

Oh, this makes me so unbelievably happy!

Because of the funny. Not the death.

Though the death was the funny bit, so . . . okay. The death, too.

Claire Dawn said...

I know what you mean! I went from 9 followers to 37 in 3 weeks. It was crazy, because I'd had 9 followers for like 6 months.

That Is the best version of Bambi I'd ever heard. 2 words. FILM IT! lol!

Whirlochre said...

A girl with blue hair being attacked by a metal duck? You're just the kind of visitor this blog needs.

Next time I maul the Disney myths, I'll make sure the bunnies live.

It's like Patrick Stewart waking up with a bouffant hairdo and three beards.