Sunday, April 25, 2010

I Shake My Fist At A Cosmos Turned Upside Down

Now the excitement has all but died down (apart from the feeble whistle of the odd balloon, dangling from the rafters like a bulbous scrotum), do I detect the emerging flush of a return to normal?

Not a chance.

Every floorboard in my house is currently less attached to the floor than a novelty performing dog act that’s just won three yeses from Simon Cowell on Britain’s Got Twats; every wall previously covered in wallpaper now stands stripped bare as an imaginary male stripper in the brain of a downtrodden housewife with a spare five minutes between the hoovering and the ironing; and every vitally important document, set of keys, mobile phone, tv remote, and jar of soothing anti-stress balm lies pining for its customary easy-to-find resting place, stranded in some infinite limbo of junk like that monkey the Russians sent into space in 1949.

And where is all my underwear, Mr Central Heating Refit Guy?


JaneyV said...

My last complete house refit happened in the summer of '03 when I was 8 months pregnant with the Small Son. We had the house re-wired, repainted, re-floored, a conservatory built and the garden remodeled. We emptied the house of two skip loads of utter shit. Each piece of which had previously had its own little spot in the house.

I don't know if you remember that summer - it's the hottest on record. There were old people dying all over the place and I was incubating a furnace.

My only relief was taking the kids to Waitrose.

"What are we getting Mama?"
"Dunno yet - I'll figure it out when we get there."
"Why are we going so?"
"Because it's the only place nearby that has air conditioning..."

Desperate times, desperate measures.

The house was brilliant when it was done though.

Four years later when we moved down here we threw out another skip-load of shit....

Phoenix said...

And where is all my underwear, Mr Central Heating Refit Guy?

All that lace and thongy goodness -- can you really blame the guy?

Old Kitty said...

It's good to know you have underwear that I'm hoping you wear every so often and at least on special occassions.

M&S ones are always highly recommended.


take care

fairyhedgehog said...

Oh, that's grim.

I hope you find your underw- What am I saying?

Whirlochre said...

2003 was such a good summer — we missed out all of spring and the early part of autumn as I recall. Yo deserve some sort of award for being pregnant during that one.


Old Kitty
Come back next week for the new socks...

Sylvan Hider Under Logs
Currently sporting a pair of curtains...

stacy said...

. . . now stands stripped bare as an imaginary male stripper in the brain of a downtrodden housewife with a spare five minutes between the hoovering and the ironing

Story of my life . . .

Whirlochre said...


Bernita said...

Thank God, I will only have to deal with a Chinmey Re-pointing Guy sometime soon.
Sorry you lost your undersilkies, Whirl.

Whirlochre said...

Hey — it's the guys re-pointing their chimneys you have to watch out for.

Mother (Re)produces. said...

Ah, Whirl, I feel for you. We spent six months with no kitchen thanks to a company that said it would take three weeks.
If you're still looking for your knickers, I'd check the plumber's crack- they may have fallen in.

We need to get the upstairs bathroom re-done (the tub has taken on that lovely sandpaper quality) but we are just too chicken.

Whirlochre said...

Fortunately, a neighbour's kid played Captain Hook in a school production of Peter Pan over Christmas, so I'm sure I can fish them out...

Robin S. said...

Any striped panties missing? The ones that match those socks we love??

fairyhedgehog said...

I found your underwear, Whirl. It's here.

Whirlochre said...

Shuffler Twixt Hedge, Twixt Gusset Panorama
What's eerie is that there's only about 25 years between this and...the horrible truth.

How did anyone ever cop off in the late 70s?

Oh, I remember — they didn't.

Whirlochre said...

New socks — and old spangly shoes — to come.

*Who needs a trailer when you've got a dangler from above?*

fairyhedgehog said...

I googled cop off but I'm still not sure what it means because there were so many different definitions! (The wiki one was the most sedate.)

Whatever it means, some of us were definitely doing it in the late 70s. We must have been, after all I got married in 1979! (And so did my Beloved. What a coincidence.)

Whirlochre said...

Punk Era Romance Hog
There's always this interpretation.

fairyhedgehog said...