Saturday, February 13, 2010

On The Couch With Sock Monkey

SM: Uh Oh — here comes Mr Stupid...

WO: Eh? What do you mean?

SM: You’ll find it in the dictionary, a couple of pages after “misfit”.

WO: Ha ha. Very funny. So why “stupid”? What have I done this time?

SM: Half price on the session after next if you can guess.

WO: The session after next?

SM: When I'm doubling my fees, yes. But that’s immaterial right now.

WO: It’s very material if it’s coming out of my pocket.

SM: So we’re agreed?

WO: Whoa, whoa, let’s go back a step. I don’t recall agreeing to anything. So let me get this straight, you’re offering half price...

SM: Yes.

WO: On a session that’s twice the price of this one...

SM: Yes. And before you ask, you had written confirmation of my proposed change in fees exactly one month ago.

WO: Did I now?

SM: Then.

WO: Ha ha. So this written confirmation...

SM: Yes?

WO: On ethereal notepaper, was it?

SM: Are you insinuating the letter was lost in the post or otherwise mislaid by persons unconnected with my good self?

WO: Good? In what way is passing off your newly doubled fees as a special offer supposed to be in any way good?

SM: When you came to me, you said you wanted the best therapist money could buy. I’m trying to help.

WO: You’ve got a funny way of showing it.

SM: “The way of the monkey and the way of the human are not as one.”

WO: Is that right? So how do you explain this on your business card, huh? “Sock Monkey: I ken your zen”?

SM: That’s just my sales pitch.

WO: You could get done for that, you know. It’s fraud.

SM: I think you’ll find it’s merely frayed, actually.

WO: Are you looking for a poke in the eye?

SM: No. I’m looking for an answer to my question.

WO: Isn’t that supposed to be my job? I’m the client, remember?

SM: Hmmm, unlike the way of the monkey and the way of the human, the way of the client and the way of the complete and utter pain in the arse ARE—

WO: Fine, fine. I’ll take it. Half price session, twice the price session — whatever.

SM: Okay — shoot.

WO: Shoot what?

SM: Shoot your guess.

WO: You’ve lost me.

SM: You’re supposed to be guessing why I called you Mr Stupid.

WO: Pardon me, but in the light of all that’s happened since I walked through the door, isn’t that something of a no-brainer? My very presence in this subterranean boudoir of yours, week after week, is barely indicative of common sense, let alone cerebral firepower. Of course I’m bloody stupid, you idiot. I’m here. With you. On this blasted couch.


WO: You’ve gone very quiet. What’s up?

SM: I’m trying not to laugh. On soooo many levels.

WO: Okay, okay, okay. My guess. This week I’m stupid because...because...I owned up to being undercharged at Tesco. Fifty whole pence! I could have bought chocolate with that.

SM: Hmmm. That’s pretty damn stupid — but it’s not what I was thinking of.

WO: I give up then.

SM: Sure?

WO: Yes.

SM: You’ll effectively lose another fifteen quid in addition to the 50p squandered at Tesco...

WO: I don’t care. Spill the beans.

SM: While you’ve been away from your desk, your cat has been hijacking your blog again.


(Sound of door slamming)

SM: “Subterranean boudoir” indeed...


sylvia said...

Uh oh, busted! Scram, cats, fast!

Geoff said...

Oh no. It's a raid.

Chris Eldin said...

This was pretty darn good dialogue! And LOVE the "ken your zen." That should be on a t-shirt or coffee mug. Or in my novel (somehow I'll find a way to work it into a middle grade book).

Anonymous said...

Quick, Geoff, over here! I'll save you!

Anonymous said...

It's me, Rufus, posting as anon.

Geoff said...

I'm hanging on for Rutger Hauer's tiger...

Liam said...

My brain hurts. Just saying, though.

Whirlochre said...

Nice to see you, Liam.

I'm tempted to recommend something chocolaty. Always seems to help.

latvialovedoll1877 said...

ur so hot I am hot 2. I love ur stomerk. Make big pastry for you. qalified chef and two dogs. Brunete student hot hot hto

Madison the Cat (whose Mommy is procrastinatin' agin) said...

Well, kitty boys, ah guess the par-tay's ovah, huh?

Madison the Cat said...

That was supposed to say 'Madison the Cat, whose Mommy is procrastinatin' agin.'

stacy said...

The Sock Monkey is worse than that little dog who treats Dilbert

Whirlochre said...

Sock Monkey is vicious.

And, yes — party's over.

McKoala said...

No worries. I'll volunteer myself to nip at Geoff's heels to make her run a little faster. Selfless, that's me.


Mother (Re)produces. said...

I'm just gonna sit back and wait for the part where Geoff goes after Sock Monkey for revenge. Look out, SM. Nobody likes a tattle-tale.

Whirlochre said...

Is that two dogs in one or just the one dog with a weird name?

I sense the two of them are gearing up for a battle right now. Stay tuned.

Bernita said...

"I ken your zen"
!! and !!!
Here's to rigor Morris.

Mother (Re)produces. said...

It's a dog that sits on your shoulder and grovels for biscuits.

Whirlochre said...

Rigor Morris? Sounds like a bunch of zombies flouncing about at height of summer on an English village green...

As long as it's not a Rottweiller-Alsatian cross, I'm happy.